Monday, October 12, 2015

11 weeks left

It's hard to believe that we have just around 10 weeks left before the baby is due.  It's insane to me that this time around I will be giving birth and we made a baby!  That still has not sunk in no matter how big my belly gets and I don't think it will until I hold her in my arms.

We've been so busy with work, house projects and taking care of the little man that time has flown by.  I've had a great pregnancy overall and feel so lucky to still have energy.

We hired a doula and that has lowered my anxiety about birthing in a hospital tremendously.  She's a mom of 10 (!) and has been a doula for 17 years.  I feel so blessed to have found her.  She will have 4 in home appointments with us before birth as well as a birthing class once a week in November.  Once I go into labor she will come to our home and be with me the entire time and then also join us when we transfer to the hospital.  She'll stay with us there as well until the baby gets a good latch. Postpartum visits are included too.

I have yet to start the nursery because part of our house project that is starting next week is expanding our master closet because Farmie's closet is the other main floor spare bedroom.  Once that is done I'll finally be able to get things ready.  It's so opposite of our son.  His was ready 6 months before he was born!

The little man is doing great and is such a sweet smart boy.  He'll be 2 next month and I can't believe we're already there.  He loves all things bugs especially bees and makes all the sounds of a monkey, bear, snake, dog, wolf, and cat.  He knows some of his shapes and is talking more and more each week.  I'm still overwhelmed with gratitude to have him in our lives on a daily basis.  This week he took his little hand and patted my belly and said "Hi, baby."  I couldn't help but just start crying.  He's so precious.

Monday, August 10, 2015

It's a baby girl!!

It's hard to believe I'm 5 months pregnant.  I was so anxious about our appointment last Tuesday because it was an extensive ultrasound.  We were there for over an hour and they checked out everything.  Healthy so far and so relieved.  On Saturday we did a gender reveal with family with a cake.  I thought for sure we were having a boy, but we'll be having a baby girl!!!

Never ever did I think that Farmie and I would be here at this stage celebrating the news of a biological baby girl.  I'm picking out nursery items soon and creating a registry to keep track of everything we will need now that we know the gender.

When we sliced the cake and I saw pink I just started bawling.  Life is full of surprises and I was just so overwhelmed in that moment.

In other amazing news my girlfriend that has also been struggling with infertility for 5 years finally went to a specialist.  The Dr told her that they believed she had extensive scar tissue and that IVF was their only option.  After everything I have learned with our journey it's best to do your own research than just do what the Dr orders.  After researching scar tissue in most cases even IVF wouldn't be successful.  I  told her to try an IUI first and then if that didn't work get a laparoscopy to confirm the scar tissue before spending so much money on IVF.  The Dr tried to talk them out of the IUI, but my friend held her ground and now she's pregnant!

I am still so cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy and I don't think that will go away until the baby is in our arms.  Looking at our life today and how blessed we are it's unreal.  So many years of so much struggle has lead to this and I know each step of the journey was necessary.  We learned so much about our marriage and about each other.

Monday, July 13, 2015

4 months

I'm not just over 4 months pregnant and in just a few more weeks we'll know if it's a boy or a girl.  This has still been so surreal for me.  Our appointment this week was just a check up and we heard the heartbeat again.  The baby had hiccups as well :) I didn't even know that happened at this stage!

I get so anxious before each appointment and I can't help but wonder to myself, "Is this the last day of this pregnancy?"  I know it's terrible, but I think IVF is the reason for always having the worry and doubt in the back of my mind and always preparing myself for the worst.

I'm showing now and there's no denying a little baby bump.

This weekend I'll be getting together with a bunch of old girlfriends for a bridal shower.  Looking forward to seeing them all and getting a little me time too since it's a two night trip.

Our next appointment is August 4th and it will be an extensive ultrasound.  We'll find out what we're having then :)

Saturday, June 13, 2015


On Thursday we heard the baby's heartbeat.  Our midwife cried with us.  It's still so surreal that my belly is growing and that there is a baby inside me.

All of our close friends know and I told a few people at work since it's becoming obvious in my mind at least.  I'm having to wear loose clothing and less form fitting pants.  I officially cannot fit into any of my jeans or work pants so I've bought a few maternity shorts and pants.

Our next appointment is a month from now and they may be able to tell the gender at that time, but most likely it will be a little later in July or early August.

I've having to think about some big decisions with work and just start thinking about how I envision the months before birth and afterwards.  What are my priorities?  How much do I want to work?  For now, I'm not making any decisions yet.  I'm keeping it open, but I may got back to work in 3 months, 6 months or when this one is in in kindergarten.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around caring for our son and a newborn.  I don't know how overwhelmed I will be.

My mother is already saying that she wants to be here for the birth.  I have some frustrations with that because she had no desire and made no offer to help with our son.  Adoption or not, I don't feel that this baby's birth and circumstances should be treated any different.  It frustrates me that her level of excitement is obvious and she acts as though this situation is completely different.  For those of you that have been followers for a long time you know that my relationship with my mother is not great.  Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years.  But one thing that is consistent is that I'm always having to create boundaries with her.  You don't get to have no desire to come visit your first born grandchild and then be over the moon excited about baby #2 because it's biological.  My little family unit doesn't work that way.  I also feel that she doesn't take into account what I need or what I prefer and she has just decided that she's excited about this baby and wants to be here when it's born.  In the end, I never feel that it's about me at all.  She tries to mother when she wants to and then she's completely absent when it's not convenient or exciting for her.

Monday, May 4, 2015


We saw a little 7 week old baby inside of me today!!  So insane and surreal.  Farmie made my hand go numb from gripping my hand so tight and tears just fell from my eyes.  They could see a heartbeat, which just blows my mind.

All labs came back great.  My next appointment is on the 15th.  They're telling us a due date of 12/24.

I still can't believe this!!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

First Dr's Appointment

We weren't able to have an ultrasound yesterday unfortunately just due to scheduling, but we'll go back Monday to have that done.  They just took a lot of blood to run tests for everything and a few more I insisted on.  (Yes, the IVF paranoia is still taking over.)  The did do a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive so at least that was a tiny bit of reassurance.  The intake staff was great and they were genuinely shocked and happy for us.  That felt good after feeling like herded cattle for so many years during IVF.

We chose to work with a nurse midwife and not a Dr.  I've always felt more comfortable with nurse practitioners than Drs anyway and after IVF I honestly never want to see a male Dr ever again.  Our nurse midwife was a labor and delivery nurse for 20 years before deciding to focus on midwifery.  She was so sweet and walked in and said, "I just looked at your chart and I'm so happy for you!!"  She looked like she was going to cry and then asked if she could give me a hug.  It felt so genuine and caring and just feels like a great start for this journey.

I take what is basically a pre-natal vitamin everyday, but have to supplement it with iron.  Besides that my regular habits won't be changing much.  Pregnancy tea instead of green tea and I eat a lot of deli meat so I have to change how I prepare that.  She also told me because of our history I might want to stop exercise until I'm through the first trimester.  We'll still take walks in the evening and I'll do stretches at home.

I was excited to learn that they are opening a birthing center with labor tubs this July at the hospital we would be delivering in.  It just happens to be the same hospital where our son was born.  All of this seems so far down the road and still so surreal, but these are all things we discussed.  It was an hour and a half appointment.

I can't help but be a little anxious about the bloodwork.  Just hoping everything comes back fine.  I can't even wrap my head around the fact that we're having an ultrasound Monday and it will be my belly and a baby inside me.  I wake up each morning in shock at the fact that my boobs hurt and I'm actually pregnant.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

Thank you for all of your comments and encouragement!

Sunday, April 26, 2015

I'm Pregnant

I'm shocked to be typing this right now.  It's beyond surreal.  It's unbelievable actually, but I have two pregnancy test that I took yesterday that are proof that I am indeed pregnant.

Over the years after IVF I don't really track my cycle.  It's always been consistent though.  However, life gets busy.  Really busy with work and the baby and just every day life.  Yesterday, I woke up and looked in the mirror after my shower and outloud said, "Whoa, what the hell?"  My boobs were huge.  I started thinking about when my period was supposed to get here and I realized that I'd been expecting it almost every day for the last two weeks.  I expected it during our first weekend trip away without the baby the weekend of 18th.  I've been bitchy and dreading it and the weird thing is that this month the old infertility frustration started to creep in again.  Maybe it was infertility awareness week.  Maybe it was dealing with what I thought were constant PMS symptoms.

So I promptly got dressed walked into the living room and announced I needed to take a pregnancy test.  Farmie of course just said, "What?" as if I was nuts.  I didn't respond and we went on with our morning and then we had to check on a property that was about 40 minutes from where we live.  On the way there I was explaining my boobs and how I've been expecting my period for like two weeks.  Then Farmie asked me when I had my March period and for the life of me I couldn't remember.  Like I said, life if busy.  I still can't remember if I had a period in March so I don't know if I'm just a few weeks or if I'm two months along.

On the way back home I told Farmie I just wanted to take a test and get it over with.  We stopped at a grocery store.  He stayed with the baby and I went in and got a test.  I went directly to the bathroom and took it.  And then immediately it was positive.  All that went through my head for a good solid 30 seconds was, "Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!"  And then I was beaming and wanted to get out to the car and tell Farmie as soon as I could.  I opened the car door, showed him the test and said, "You're going to be a dad again." And then I started shaking and crying.  He was just shocked.  I was shocked.  WE are shocked!

I'm going to call my homeopathic Dr tomorrow and chat with her about who to go to for an ultrasound to officially confirm the pregnancy and find out how far along I am.  IVF has left me very untrusting of Drs so I know that will be a big decision for me.

April 23rd was exactly 5 years to the day that we decided to start trying to have a baby.  The fact that this happened and it happened naturally blows my mind.  Anxiety is there because everything we've been through.  I worry that something could be wrong.  I'm worried that I'll have a miscarriage.  But I can only hope that we were given this blessing to bring him/her into the world.  To some day be able to hold him/her in our arms.