Saturday, June 13, 2015


On Thursday we heard the baby's heartbeat.  Our midwife cried with us.  It's still so surreal that my belly is growing and that there is a baby inside me.

All of our close friends know and I told a few people at work since it's becoming obvious in my mind at least.  I'm having to wear loose clothing and less form fitting pants.  I officially cannot fit into any of my jeans or work pants so I've bought a few maternity shorts and pants.

Our next appointment is a month from now and they may be able to tell the gender at that time, but most likely it will be a little later in July or early August.

I've having to think about some big decisions with work and just start thinking about how I envision the months before birth and afterwards.  What are my priorities?  How much do I want to work?  For now, I'm not making any decisions yet.  I'm keeping it open, but I may got back to work in 3 months, 6 months or when this one is in in kindergarten.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around caring for our son and a newborn.  I don't know how overwhelmed I will be.

My mother is already saying that she wants to be here for the birth.  I have some frustrations with that because she had no desire and made no offer to help with our son.  Adoption or not, I don't feel that this baby's birth and circumstances should be treated any different.  It frustrates me that her level of excitement is obvious and she acts as though this situation is completely different.  For those of you that have been followers for a long time you know that my relationship with my mother is not great.  Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years.  But one thing that is consistent is that I'm always having to create boundaries with her.  You don't get to have no desire to come visit your first born grandchild and then be over the moon excited about baby #2 because it's biological.  My little family unit doesn't work that way.  I also feel that she doesn't take into account what I need or what I prefer and she has just decided that she's excited about this baby and wants to be here when it's born.  In the end, I never feel that it's about me at all.  She tries to mother when she wants to and then she's completely absent when it's not convenient or exciting for her.

Monday, May 4, 2015


We saw a little 7 week old baby inside of me today!!  So insane and surreal.  Farmie made my hand go numb from gripping my hand so tight and tears just fell from my eyes.  They could see a heartbeat, which just blows my mind.

All labs came back great.  My next appointment is on the 15th.  They're telling us a due date of 12/24.

I still can't believe this!!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

First Dr's Appointment

We weren't able to have an ultrasound yesterday unfortunately just due to scheduling, but we'll go back Monday to have that done.  They just took a lot of blood to run tests for everything and a few more I insisted on.  (Yes, the IVF paranoia is still taking over.)  The did do a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive so at least that was a tiny bit of reassurance.  The intake staff was great and they were genuinely shocked and happy for us.  That felt good after feeling like herded cattle for so many years during IVF.

We chose to work with a nurse midwife and not a Dr.  I've always felt more comfortable with nurse practitioners than Drs anyway and after IVF I honestly never want to see a male Dr ever again.  Our nurse midwife was a labor and delivery nurse for 20 years before deciding to focus on midwifery.  She was so sweet and walked in and said, "I just looked at your chart and I'm so happy for you!!"  She looked like she was going to cry and then asked if she could give me a hug.  It felt so genuine and caring and just feels like a great start for this journey.

I take what is basically a pre-natal vitamin everyday, but have to supplement it with iron.  Besides that my regular habits won't be changing much.  Pregnancy tea instead of green tea and I eat a lot of deli meat so I have to change how I prepare that.  She also told me because of our history I might want to stop exercise until I'm through the first trimester.  We'll still take walks in the evening and I'll do stretches at home.

I was excited to learn that they are opening a birthing center with labor tubs this July at the hospital we would be delivering in.  It just happens to be the same hospital where our son was born.  All of this seems so far down the road and still so surreal, but these are all things we discussed.  It was an hour and a half appointment.

I can't help but be a little anxious about the bloodwork.  Just hoping everything comes back fine.  I can't even wrap my head around the fact that we're having an ultrasound Monday and it will be my belly and a baby inside me.  I wake up each morning in shock at the fact that my boobs hurt and I'm actually pregnant.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

Thank you for all of your comments and encouragement!

Sunday, April 26, 2015

I'm Pregnant

I'm shocked to be typing this right now.  It's beyond surreal.  It's unbelievable actually, but I have two pregnancy test that I took yesterday that are proof that I am indeed pregnant.

Over the years after IVF I don't really track my cycle.  It's always been consistent though.  However, life gets busy.  Really busy with work and the baby and just every day life.  Yesterday, I woke up and looked in the mirror after my shower and outloud said, "Whoa, what the hell?"  My boobs were huge.  I started thinking about when my period was supposed to get here and I realized that I'd been expecting it almost every day for the last two weeks.  I expected it during our first weekend trip away without the baby the weekend of 18th.  I've been bitchy and dreading it and the weird thing is that this month the old infertility frustration started to creep in again.  Maybe it was infertility awareness week.  Maybe it was dealing with what I thought were constant PMS symptoms.

So I promptly got dressed walked into the living room and announced I needed to take a pregnancy test.  Farmie of course just said, "What?" as if I was nuts.  I didn't respond and we went on with our morning and then we had to check on a property that was about 40 minutes from where we live.  On the way there I was explaining my boobs and how I've been expecting my period for like two weeks.  Then Farmie asked me when I had my March period and for the life of me I couldn't remember.  Like I said, life if busy.  I still can't remember if I had a period in March so I don't know if I'm just a few weeks or if I'm two months along.

On the way back home I told Farmie I just wanted to take a test and get it over with.  We stopped at a grocery store.  He stayed with the baby and I went in and got a test.  I went directly to the bathroom and took it.  And then immediately it was positive.  All that went through my head for a good solid 30 seconds was, "Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!"  And then I was beaming and wanted to get out to the car and tell Farmie as soon as I could.  I opened the car door, showed him the test and said, "You're going to be a dad again." And then I started shaking and crying.  He was just shocked.  I was shocked.  WE are shocked!

I'm going to call my homeopathic Dr tomorrow and chat with her about who to go to for an ultrasound to officially confirm the pregnancy and find out how far along I am.  IVF has left me very untrusting of Drs so I know that will be a big decision for me.

April 23rd was exactly 5 years to the day that we decided to start trying to have a baby.  The fact that this happened and it happened naturally blows my mind.  Anxiety is there because everything we've been through.  I worry that something could be wrong.  I'm worried that I'll have a miscarriage.  But I can only hope that we were given this blessing to bring him/her into the world.  To some day be able to hold him/her in our arms.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Adoption Timeline

Farmie and I have decided that we're going to start the adoption process again at the end of August.  I've decided that I will talk to our birth mom about our plan just so she knows.  I feel like that's the right thing to do since she has brought up having a sibling so many times.  Farmie just feels that he doesn't want to wait for her to get pregnant.  He just turned 43 and he doesn't want to be 45 and having to compete with other adoptive couples.  He's concerned that his age would affect us being chosen and it might, but I know that the right person will choose us regardless of age.  We also want to have a sibling close to our son.  He will be close to turning 2 around that time and I think that would be a good age to start the process.

I don't know how our birth mom will react to us deciding to move forward with another adoption.  I hope she'll understand our reasons.  Regardless, it will be a tough conversation to have.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

HELP: Ovulation Med Suggestions??

I wanted to ask those of you that have had success with just ovulation meds what regimen worked for you.  My friend started with Clomid for 4 months and is now taking Letrozole, which concerns her because of the link to birth defects.  She's looking for other options, but lives in a very small town and has to basically tell her doctor what to prescribe.

What worked best for you?

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Baby #2

After our son turned one I really started feeling the pressure of a sibling and that old infertile worry started to creep in.  I can't say that it's an exterior influence either.  People have been asking about baby #2, but I began thinking about it on a daily basis all on my own after his birthday.  Our birth mom has had multiple conversations with me about baby #2 and last month she called saying that she needed to go get a pregnancy test because she thought she was pregnant.  It turned out that she wasn't, but for our son it would be the best scenario for him.  He'd have at least a half biological sibling.

The process of IVF and infertility and adoption gradually made me realize the hard way that we have no control over what happens in our lives and creating a family.  I'm having to remind myself that whoever is meant to join our family will in their own time and with their own path.  The biggest part I guess is fear.  I'm afraid that his birth mom might not get pregnant again in the next couple of years.  I'm afraid of him being an only child like I was.  I'm afraid of him not having the blessing of looking at a brother or sister and seeing his eyes or his nose or his little chin.  The anxiety comes from not knowing when or how any of this could happen.

A close friend is 5 months into starting infertility meds.  I see in her where I was years ago and all I want to do is help and fix it.  Last time we talked I suggested they try IUIs.  She touches base each time another month fails just to vent.  Even though what we went through and continue to go through is hard our marriage survived IVF.  I survived without any effects that I'm aware of.  Our experience allows me to be there for my friend and give her what I could only find in the blog world and I'm grateful for that.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength."- Corrie Ten Boom

Worry trades the joy of now for the unlikely catastrophes of later. ~Tim Fargo