Monday, May 4, 2015


We saw a little 7 week old baby inside of me today!!  So insane and surreal.  Farmie made my hand go numb from gripping my hand so tight and tears just fell from my eyes.  They could see a heartbeat, which just blows my mind.

All labs came back great.  My next appointment is on the 15th.  They're telling us a due date of 12/24.

I still can't believe this!!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

First Dr's Appointment

We weren't able to have an ultrasound yesterday unfortunately just due to scheduling, but we'll go back Monday to have that done.  They just took a lot of blood to run tests for everything and a few more I insisted on.  (Yes, the IVF paranoia is still taking over.)  The did do a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive so at least that was a tiny bit of reassurance.  The intake staff was great and they were genuinely shocked and happy for us.  That felt good after feeling like herded cattle for so many years during IVF.

We chose to work with a nurse midwife and not a Dr.  I've always felt more comfortable with nurse practitioners than Drs anyway and after IVF I honestly never want to see a male Dr ever again.  Our nurse midwife was a labor and delivery nurse for 20 years before deciding to focus on midwifery.  She was so sweet and walked in and said, "I just looked at your chart and I'm so happy for you!!"  She looked like she was going to cry and then asked if she could give me a hug.  It felt so genuine and caring and just feels like a great start for this journey.

I take what is basically a pre-natal vitamin everyday, but have to supplement it with iron.  Besides that my regular habits won't be changing much.  Pregnancy tea instead of green tea and I eat a lot of deli meat so I have to change how I prepare that.  She also told me because of our history I might want to stop exercise until I'm through the first trimester.  We'll still take walks in the evening and I'll do stretches at home.

I was excited to learn that they are opening a birthing center with labor tubs this July at the hospital we would be delivering in.  It just happens to be the same hospital where our son was born.  All of this seems so far down the road and still so surreal, but these are all things we discussed.  It was an hour and a half appointment.

I can't help but be a little anxious about the bloodwork.  Just hoping everything comes back fine.  I can't even wrap my head around the fact that we're having an ultrasound Monday and it will be my belly and a baby inside me.  I wake up each morning in shock at the fact that my boobs hurt and I'm actually pregnant.  I don't know if that will ever go away.

Thank you for all of your comments and encouragement!

Sunday, April 26, 2015

I'm Pregnant

I'm shocked to be typing this right now.  It's beyond surreal.  It's unbelievable actually, but I have two pregnancy test that I took yesterday that are proof that I am indeed pregnant.

Over the years after IVF I don't really track my cycle.  It's always been consistent though.  However, life gets busy.  Really busy with work and the baby and just every day life.  Yesterday, I woke up and looked in the mirror after my shower and outloud said, "Whoa, what the hell?"  My boobs were huge.  I started thinking about when my period was supposed to get here and I realized that I'd been expecting it almost every day for the last two weeks.  I expected it during our first weekend trip away without the baby the weekend of 18th.  I've been bitchy and dreading it and the weird thing is that this month the old infertility frustration started to creep in again.  Maybe it was infertility awareness week.  Maybe it was dealing with what I thought were constant PMS symptoms.

So I promptly got dressed walked into the living room and announced I needed to take a pregnancy test.  Farmie of course just said, "What?" as if I was nuts.  I didn't respond and we went on with our morning and then we had to check on a property that was about 40 minutes from where we live.  On the way there I was explaining my boobs and how I've been expecting my period for like two weeks.  Then Farmie asked me when I had my March period and for the life of me I couldn't remember.  Like I said, life if busy.  I still can't remember if I had a period in March so I don't know if I'm just a few weeks or if I'm two months along.

On the way back home I told Farmie I just wanted to take a test and get it over with.  We stopped at a grocery store.  He stayed with the baby and I went in and got a test.  I went directly to the bathroom and took it.  And then immediately it was positive.  All that went through my head for a good solid 30 seconds was, "Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!"  And then I was beaming and wanted to get out to the car and tell Farmie as soon as I could.  I opened the car door, showed him the test and said, "You're going to be a dad again." And then I started shaking and crying.  He was just shocked.  I was shocked.  WE are shocked!

I'm going to call my homeopathic Dr tomorrow and chat with her about who to go to for an ultrasound to officially confirm the pregnancy and find out how far along I am.  IVF has left me very untrusting of Drs so I know that will be a big decision for me.

April 23rd was exactly 5 years to the day that we decided to start trying to have a baby.  The fact that this happened and it happened naturally blows my mind.  Anxiety is there because everything we've been through.  I worry that something could be wrong.  I'm worried that I'll have a miscarriage.  But I can only hope that we were given this blessing to bring him/her into the world.  To some day be able to hold him/her in our arms.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Adoption Timeline

Farmie and I have decided that we're going to start the adoption process again at the end of August.  I've decided that I will talk to our birth mom about our plan just so she knows.  I feel like that's the right thing to do since she has brought up having a sibling so many times.  Farmie just feels that he doesn't want to wait for her to get pregnant.  He just turned 43 and he doesn't want to be 45 and having to compete with other adoptive couples.  He's concerned that his age would affect us being chosen and it might, but I know that the right person will choose us regardless of age.  We also want to have a sibling close to our son.  He will be close to turning 2 around that time and I think that would be a good age to start the process.

I don't know how our birth mom will react to us deciding to move forward with another adoption.  I hope she'll understand our reasons.  Regardless, it will be a tough conversation to have.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

HELP: Ovulation Med Suggestions??

I wanted to ask those of you that have had success with just ovulation meds what regimen worked for you.  My friend started with Clomid for 4 months and is now taking Letrozole, which concerns her because of the link to birth defects.  She's looking for other options, but lives in a very small town and has to basically tell her doctor what to prescribe.

What worked best for you?

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Baby #2

After our son turned one I really started feeling the pressure of a sibling and that old infertile worry started to creep in.  I can't say that it's an exterior influence either.  People have been asking about baby #2, but I began thinking about it on a daily basis all on my own after his birthday.  Our birth mom has had multiple conversations with me about baby #2 and last month she called saying that she needed to go get a pregnancy test because she thought she was pregnant.  It turned out that she wasn't, but for our son it would be the best scenario for him.  He'd have at least a half biological sibling.

The process of IVF and infertility and adoption gradually made me realize the hard way that we have no control over what happens in our lives and creating a family.  I'm having to remind myself that whoever is meant to join our family will in their own time and with their own path.  The biggest part I guess is fear.  I'm afraid that his birth mom might not get pregnant again in the next couple of years.  I'm afraid of him being an only child like I was.  I'm afraid of him not having the blessing of looking at a brother or sister and seeing his eyes or his nose or his little chin.  The anxiety comes from not knowing when or how any of this could happen.

A close friend is 5 months into starting infertility meds.  I see in her where I was years ago and all I want to do is help and fix it.  Last time we talked I suggested they try IUIs.  She touches base each time another month fails just to vent.  Even though what we went through and continue to go through is hard our marriage survived IVF.  I survived without any effects that I'm aware of.  Our experience allows me to be there for my friend and give her what I could only find in the blog world and I'm grateful for that.

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength."- Corrie Ten Boom

Worry trades the joy of now for the unlikely catastrophes of later. ~Tim Fargo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Leftover baby food?!

Our son loved the baby food packets for a while, but he's decided that he's a big boy and would rather feed himself.  If I try the packets with a spoon or just allowing him to eat directly from it he spits it out.  I tried making smoothies for a while with the leftover baby food and that worked for a bit, but I noticed he would end up wasting most of it.  One packet make over an 8 oz smoothie and they only keep for a couple days.  Plus some flavors he liked more than others.  So I decided to try to make crackers with it. 


I made 3 different batches from leftover flavors of Peter Rabbit Organics and Love Child Organics

Recipe: One packet (brands vary from 4 to 4.4 oz in each packet but I didn't notice a difference in the batches), 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1/4 cup of oil (I used olive oil). Mixed it all together and then added 1 cup of flour. Rolled it out on a floured baking sheet then cut with a pizza cutter. The thinner ones cooked best. 375 for 20 mins. I've read online where these should last 3 months. Great substitute for some of the name brand organic crackers or biscuits that we're constantly buying.  I actually ate some myself with a little hummus and it was really good :)