Sunday, December 16, 2012
Talking it Out
I had a good couple of weeks after deciding not to allow infertility to control my life anymore, but something has shifted. A little inside voice has been piping in over the last week and I can't seem to put my finger on it or figure out how to deal with it. These last few days have been frustrating and I'm just going to talk through it. Maybe writing this post will help me sort it out.
Any little decision/discussion Farmie and I have has been ending in an argument. It started last Saturday with a discussion about buying a space heater (our new house is a 1950s rancher and with a wall of windows on the back of the home it's been hard to keep consistent heat). It ended with me compromising and Farmie buying not one, but two at Costco. I'd rather put a sweatshirt on and a pair of slippers than spending almost $500 on space heaters...but I gave in and he got what he wanted.
Farmie's been asking me to help him with his Christmas cards and I'm always happy to, but I asked him to give me a list of his contacts so that I can cross them off and make sure we get everyone instead of just taking random notes of who he wants cards, gift cards and wine sent to. A list of contacts just makes it easier for me to help him. But every day this week he's failed to give it to me. More than anything I hate feeling like a nag and that's what I've felt like this week. I'm happy to drive all over delivering wine in cute little packages, but what I would appreciate if he could just take one minute and print off a list of people. This argument imploded Friday with him telling me that I was being a brat after I said that his cards were not my responsibility especially if he won't help me help him. He then referred to another couple that we know that live separate lives almost completely and said that I could take care of my stuff and he could take care of his if I'm not willing to help my husband. We went in circles and I tried to explain myself from every possible angle possible in the hopes he would see why I was bothered. I'm not sure if he really got it or if he just apologized to shut me up.
We also got into it over Santa boots. Yep! Santa boots...Farmie is Santa for a local children's home this year and I took the boots in to get touched up. The owner of the shop said that he would have them ready the day before the event. Friday Farmie wanted me to go by and see if they were going to be ready on time. I did and the shop owner said he would have them ready the following day. When I got home I told Farmie and he shook his head like he was annoyed and again I lost it. The boots have nothing to do with me. It was an errand I chose to do to help him. He was irritated that I let the shop owner wait until last minute to get the boots done. This was an exhausting stupid argument.
Today I was going to finish my project of painting the interior of the pantry. Farmie said he would get the paint ready. Apparently I had left the lid on, but not hammered down and Farmie shook it before pouring it...you can guess how that ended. Paint all over the walls... Although he didn't chastise me I still felt him blaming me.
I feel like everything is my fault. I feel like everything is my responsibility. He isn't saying this. But this is what I hear. He is the primary breadwinner and I thank him all the time for what he provides for us. He's also pretty good about thanking me for what I contribute, but here lately I feel like nothing I do is enough.
Is it my guilt for shutting down the IVF? Is it just me hearing/feeling/thinking that everything is my fault when something goes wrong? It is just me in my head feeling some days like I'm his bitch that runs his errands like an assistant? There is something under the surface that makes me quick to be defensive. I don't really understand it yet.
If you have an opinion please share it. After being part of this journey you might be able to provide some insight that I'm not grasping.