Not the Usual Ticking Clock...

HCG levels

2012-01-28T10:10:00.000-08:00

My levels have dropped since Thursday from 50 to 34 this morning. We moved yesterday and it was a very stressful day so I don't know if stress can play a part in that or not. I took it as easy as I could and made sure I ate and drank plenty of water and took breaks even though it was busy the entire day. I also did my best to be completely useless with helping lifting anything.

We go in again for bloodwork Monday. The nurse sounded very negative on the voicemail that I got this morning. She even went so far as to apologize insinuating that this pregnancy wasn't going to become a full term baby.

For some reason, this news isn't devastating to me. I still think we will have a healthy baby in 9 months. I hope I'm right.

Pregnancy Test

2012-01-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

WE'RE PREGNANT, WE'RE PREGNANT, WE'RE PREGNANT!!! I can't believe it. I had so many concerns after meeting with the doctor the day of the transfer and was so worried this wasn't going to work. I'm so glad I trusted my body and trusted my intuition to just do one embryo.

Let's hope that this little soul is here for the long haul. Thank you all for your support and prayers during this whole process.

Say some prayers and send some baby luck to Amber over at Somewhere Only We Know. She finds out tomorrow!!

Oh M Gee

2012-01-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

There's so much going on right now it's insane. Our house sale is moving forward and we may have to move as soon as Thursday. We haven't put a deposit down on a rental yet. Hoping we will do that tomorrow. We keep going back and forth between two different homes and I finally told Farmie he just needs to decide and get on with it.

Work has also picked up this week so I will be busy at the office. Speaking of the office...I almost cried in my office today. This is not a good thing since it has 3 walls made of windows where everyone walking by can see in. I've been so emotional lately and I don't know if it's because I'm knocked up or it could also be because of the meds or the fact that this whole process is emotional... I don't know. But I was reading a news article about a little girl in Colorado Springs that escaped from her kidnapper. Read it here if you want. I almost started crying right there at my desk. I had to just close out the page and move on to something work related and try not to start sobbing.

Then on top of it a co-worker that I've known forever and is my mom's age knows what we are going through. I've told her to be quiet about it in the office, but what does she say when she gets in this morning while my office door is wide open? "How's mama?" DEAR GOD... I'm sure at least two other co-workers heard and it's probably already spread like wildfire...

Every little slight movement or sensation in my lower abdomen doesn't go unnoticed anymore. People that I've talked to that know we are going through this have said that I will "just know". Well I'm sorry, I don't just know. If I knew for sure I wouldn't be constantly concerned about how I'm going to deal with the aftermath if this doesn't work.

I officially refuse to talk to our nurse. Any communication we have to have with the clinic goes through Farmie. I'm so fed up with her I feel my neck vein start to pop out just thinking about how many times she has caused more issues during this already rollercoaster ride process.

I had a F*cebook meltdown yesterday. There was an article that a midwife page posted about how soon there will be babies that are born with 3 parents. Read it here if you want. So I saw this and read the article and then I looked through the comments on the midwife page. People's responses were HORRIBLE. One woman compared this procedure of making human life to genetically modified food... she didn't agree with that and she didn't agree with this either. How can people be so rude? What if that was her only option for a healthy child with her partner? So of course, I posted a comment. A half hour later Farmie asks me about the comment. I ask him how he saw it and he said it was in his news thread. WTH?! None of my comments show up on my page, but it shows in a news thread? I was so upset because that meant that ALL of my friends on FB just saw my comment and I specifically mentioned that we were going through IVF. I deleted the comment and a meltdown followed... I sobbed over FB. I'm either knocked up or mental. Possibly both...maybe just mental.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday is the day! If it's bad news I'm canceling the rest of the day and having a solo happy hour(s).

Tough Couple Days

2012-01-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days have been hard. I keep thinking about what the Dr said the day of the transfer and how contradicting it was to everything our nurse had told us and what they both told us before. It just left such a negative cloud over everything and that's frustrating. I try not to focus on it, but I'm angry. I'm angry that we have gone through so much, spent so much money and then this happened on the day of our transfer. It makes me question the clinic and my instinct to go to a clinic in a larger city in our state might have been a better decision. But there's nothing we can do now.

To top it all off Farmie did a Progesterone shot and wasn't in the right area when he did it. It hurt so extremely bad and it burned for 15 minutes. A tense muscle or something wrapped all the way around to the front of my leg. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but how could you be so far off? It made me feel like he was being careless and we got into over it. It's just not what either of us needed right now.

Our move is still up in the air. Our closing date on our home is next Thursday, but we are still waiting for the appraisal to get back. But on the scale of things a move seems so small.

Still hoping that the test is positive next week, but I just don't know what to think right now.

Meet Our Embryo!

2012-01-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

Here's our em-baby!! The transfer went well. Felt a lot like the IUIs. Some discomfort, but nothing terrible. Having to have a full bladder was not fun, but that's part of the process!

I was a bit concerned that the clinic wouldn't like our choice of just transferring one. And they didn't. The Dr tried to convince us to do 2 telling us that since our embryos weren't ready for a Day 5 transfer last time that they were slow. Calling them slow pissed me off since we had never been told that before and we also had been told that there was no rhyme or reason for the blastocyst stage delay. During that time they told us that it was just a 50/50 chance and wasn't a sign of any issues. Another kicker was that he told us that with one embryo we would only have a 30% chance of a live birth. This is much lower than I recalled hearing about before. I just stuck to my guns though... I may regret it if this doesn't work, but right now I'm just trying to stay positive and have faith in my body and my intuition.

Farmie got frustrated with the discussion with the DR and started to waiver on our decision and mind you this was all 2 minutes before we were supposed to actually do the transfer. Stubborn is as stubborn does though...after even more stats and suggestions I told the Dr again that we only wanted 1. Again, I may regret this, but this is what felt right to me and I have to trust that.

My hypnotherapist called me last night to give me some encouraging reminders and visualizations to use during the transfer. It was a surprise to me that she called, but so thoughtful of her. AND she's on vacation right now. She genuinely cares about her clients.

I heard that pineapple might help with implantation so I ate that and nuts (omega 3) before the transfer. Any little bit that might help right?

We go in for labs Monday and the 26th is still the date that we will find out if the little one is snuggled in there. I'm staying home today and tomorrow to take it easy and relax. We're just hoping for the best.

Transfer tomorrow!!!

2012-01-16T18:19:00.001-08:00

At 10:30 am tomorrow I will be getting knocked up!! It's insane to think that this day is finally here. Last cycle we knew that we had a 50/50 chance after the retrieval that we might not be actually having a transfer. But tomorrow there is nothing that can stop us.

We are so ready, we are so grateful to have made it. I'm so thankful that I got through both of these cycles without anything too horrible happening in regards to side effects. My body has done it's job and I hope that it continues to. We will find out if the transfer worked on the 26th.

Thank you to everyone that has made me feel that I'm not alone on this crazy IVF journey. THANK YOU!

Giving up a few things

2012-01-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

I just realized that if the transfer works this will be my last weekend of skiing and drinking for a very long time!!!! We're going skiing Sunday with friends. When we started this process I thought I would continue skiing in the early stages, but I just think it's too much of a risk after everything we've been through. And obviously drinking is a no no. I'll have to savor one last Blue Moon after hitting the slopes.

I'm also stopping pilates for a while. My instructor had issues getting pregnant with her last child so she knows what it is like and she's also had a lot of clients go through IVF. She's been such a big help and was the one that suggested limiting carbs and drinking a lot of water during the retrieval cycle and this cycle. She thinks I should give myself at least two weeks after the transfer without any exercise.

The couple I mentioned in Buh Bye didn't bother giving up anything really. She ran a marathon while she was 4 months pregnant and did this 100 lunge challenge just two weeks ago (she's due any day now). GAG

I'm giving this pregnancy everything I have and I'm not out to prove anything to anyone. I just want Farmie and I to finally have a healthy baby and start our family.

No More Lupron!!

2012-01-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

Labs and ultrasound came back great today. I can toss the Lupron. Estrace goes back to only twice a day and I have to take Doxy and Medrol once a day. I don't know what those two are for and I didn't bother looking them up. I had to take the Medrol before the transfer and didn't have any issues with it last time. I have to stay on the thyroid medication as well until they transfer me out of the clinic to an OB and then they will revaluate my levels at that point and decide if I need to continue taking it. (Yes I'm writing this with the expectation that the transfer will all work out perfectly)

Downside is that we start the progesterone shots again. Those evil huge needles... Farmie has already voiced his dread of these shots. Last time I developed a "pocket" of progesterone in sesame oil....yes, sesame oil....in my hip. I had a massage therapist work the spot and then it finally loosened up and absorbed into my body the way it was supposed to. My nurse blamed me when I told her about it and she said I must not have applied heat like I was supposed to. She's such a peach. Oh yeah...that's what happened. I like oil pockets in my ass so I don't follow instructions. (insert eye roll)

On moving...we think we found a rental house. We're going to make a final decision tomorrow. It doesn't have a fenced yard so our concern right now are our "puppies" aka two very spoiled 8 year old schnauzers. We're hoping that some temporary fence/kennel setup will be possible.

5 MORE DAYS, 5 MORE DAYS, 5 MORE DAYS until the transfer. What a journey this has been...

Morning Sickness

2012-01-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

Morning sickness without the pregnancy...just another side effect of high estrogen levels due to the Estrace. I've noticed that if I stay clear of carbs it helps, but I guess it's just preparing me for what is to come, hopefully :)

Holy Shnikies

2012-01-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure what holy shnikies even means, but it's seems like the best description for what is going on right now. Our home sale continues to move forward and we have yet to find a home we love enough to buy. It took us 10 months the last time we purchased so I'm sure it will take a while again. We have less than three weeks until we have to move out of our home. Our transfer is scheduled for next Tuesday so I would like to have a deposit down for a rental or a house sitting situation lined up by then. The less stress the better! Finding a month to month rental in the area of town we prefer is proving to be difficult even with the amount of people we know in the real estate business. But I'm just hoping that a door (front door) opens for us.

IVF news: the increase in Estrace hasn't seemed to affect me too much. I still feel tired, feeling bloated and not much of an appetite, but overall emotionally/physically I'm doing better than I expected. I go in again Thursday for labs and ultrasound.

Although, it's not a mainstream treatment I still feel that my hypnotherapist has really helped a lot. This is so taxing mentally that it only makes sense to start there. She's really focused on stress relief and my body working with the meds. Each time I leave I feel so centered and leave feeling that everything will work out just perfectly.

Buh Bye

2012-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

(Apparently, this is a double post day)

Other couples going through IVF might be the only people that would understand the following situation. To others it might come off as rude and/or plain mean.

Backstory: Farmie and I started hanging out with this couple back in the summer of 2010. As we got to know them better we told them about our fertility issues and became relatively close to them. We saw them on regular basis and talked to them almost every day. Well...fast forward to summer 2011. After always asking about updates and wishing us good luck with our struggles of getting pregnant and them constantly being adamant that they didn't want children. Both the husband and the wife made it very clear that they liked their life just the way it was. So what news do they share with us ON MY BIRTHDAY?? They're pregnant. They're pregnant and they had been trying for 9 months. The entire time they were asking us updates on our situation and not saying a word about their plans. And for the record they knew it was my birthday...it wasn't an accident that they told us on that day.

The rest of 2011 I distanced myself from them and in turn Farmie did as well. I just couldn't wrap my head around their insensitivity on my birthday and the fact that they didn't share anything about their plans to have a child. It came down to the fact that they actually lied to us. Not only lied by omission, but straight up lied to us...

The last week of 2011 it started bothering me more and more. She's due mid January. We were still FB friends and I kept seeing posts about things regarding her pregnancy that irritated me every time I saw something new. So on New Years Eve I deleted them both. Farmie hasn't yet and they've been asking him why we haven't hung out lately. I felt a little guilt at first, but then I reminded myself that I owe them nothing. I cherish my friendships and my friends know that I'm always there for them. Why would I put any effort or allow even the slightest irritation from someone that has hurt me and lied to me?

So BUH BYE. Life's too short to waste time with people that don't care about you...with people that are not genuine...with people that don't have your best interest at heart.

Sweet Relief

2012-01-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

I talked with my nurse again today and they said that they would go ahead and do a transfer as long as my thyroid wasn't testing high. It can be in the lower range so if I'm not in the 2 range they prefer they will still do the transfer. So that is stress that can be eliminated! Thank goodness!!

In other happy news, I wrote a birth story and took birth photos for a close friend of mine back in August. I submitted it to a very well known and popular birth blog and they are going to use the story and photos!! So excited, but I unfortunately can't share it because I want to keep this blog anonymous :( I know, I know, no fair, but I want to keep this blog under wraps so I can be open and honest without someone who knows me personally reading it!!

Labs and ultrasound came back great today. They are adding a 2 pm dose of the Estrace and then I go back for labs and ultrasound on Thursday. Which will hopefully be my last day of Lupron!! The Estrace makes me feel like I'm constantly getting or recovering from a cold. I feel really sluggish and don't have an appetite for anything. I have to force myself to eat. Evenings seem the worst. It is still not as bad as I expected and hopefully these 10 final days go by quickly.

Thyroid Medication and Lab Results

2012-01-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

Labs came back fine in regards to my estrogen levels and progesterone levels. They are increasing my Estrace by double the amount, which is the next step to move forward.

However, my thyroid levels went from 5.08 to .0something (I deleted the voicemail out of anger). When I first started taking the medication I asked our nurse if I could start out at a lower dose because I had a feeling that it wouldn't take much to lower the levels. I'm not a Dr or a nurse, but I felt like it made more sense to start out lower. Anyways, now I'm too low. They want it at .4 at least. So now my dose will be adjusted and they will test again. I REALLY don't want this to be the reason we can't have a transfer. I want to half my dose, not just lower it a little... Debating just doing it and ignoring what our nurse says.

I go in for labs and ultrasound again Friday.

I just realized today that the date our home is scheduled to close is the date on our IVF calendar that we would be finding out if we are pregnant. Insanity....we've waited so long for all of this and now it might be happening on the exact same day!

Estrace: what your Dr/Nurse might not tell you

2012-01-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

My Friday labs came back fine and the nurse said that the Lupron is doing exactly what it's supposed to. So the next step was Estrace which I took Friday night at 7 pm along with a baby asprin as instructed. I had a reaction to the medication that I wasn't prepared for. My heart started to race and continued to do so for over an hour. I called the emergency number for the clinic and the nurse was surprised by my reaction to the medication and proceeded to ask me if I was maybe having a panic attack. Insinuating that it wasn't the medication... So frustrating, I wondered why I even bothered calling. My heart settled down with a little bit more time. I googled reactions to the medication and heart racing/palpitations was reported by many people. 3% of people that take the medication have that reaction. Why my nurse had never heard of it and made me feel like it was in my head, I have no idea. It's just another mark on the board of disappointments with her. But like I said before, we don't have any other options for clinics close by.

From reading online I think that some people react to the sudden increase of Estrogen. My body just happens to react the way it did. It wasn't a panic attack. It started while we were watching a movie. I've continued to take the Estrace without many issues. I feel a little jittery shortly after taking it, but that's all I've noticed. I have labs and ultrasound in the morning. If all goes well they will increase my Estrace again.

Each day I get closer to the transfer and cannot wait until my last day when I can be med free again.

On another note, our home will be sold the end of this month. We've been looking for new homes, but haven't had much luck. It took us 10 months the last time we purchased. Hopefully, it doesn't take that long again, but we would rather rent than jump into a purchase because it was our only option at the time. The perfect home is out there and we're willing to wait for it.

Hope all of you are having a great start to 2012. I don't know that I've ever felt that a new year is really a fresh start, but this year I definitely have that feeling and I hope it continues.

My Whopper of a Year

2011-12-30T07:54:00.000-08:00

This has been the second most difficult year of my life. It's runner up to my first year in college when I struggled after being drugged and raped. That spiraled my life out of control until I made the choice to go to therapy. That was the beginning of a huge change of direction in my life. A direction that has lead me here. To Farmie, to IVF, to a crappy year that will never come close to the worst I've been through.

I've learned so much this year. I've gone through so many stages during this infertility process. In the beginning of the year I struggled with the notion that Farmie and I might not be meant for each other after all. I wondered if this infertility business was all just a sign that we aren't meant for the long haul. I sought attention elsewhere and toyed with the idea of what it would be like if we weren't together. That was all part of a long process of coming to the realization that he is here to make me a better person. THIS has happened to teach me how to put others first. I've learned that I can be selfless. My love for him is the only thing that has made me move forward with IVF.

I've learned this year that a marriage is meant to be protected. Someone will always want you or what you have. Marriage is not easy. It's the most difficult relationship you will ever fight to keep strong. It's also worth it.

I've learned that I still need my dad. When things are terrible I need to hear him tell me, "It will all be okay, baby." He's the only person that can tell me that and I actually believe him. I have no words for how much he means to me and this year has reminded me of that bond.

I've been reminded of how strong I am. If it feels right I don't give up. I trust my gut and I move forward. I overcame fear and I overcame the urge to walk away.

I'm so ready for 2012. I hope our transfer goes well and that we move to the next stage in our life. But if it doesn't I also know that I'll be okay, Farmie and I will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Lupron, I have to take you, but...

2011-12-26T14:00:00.000-08:00

I hate you. The first couple days weren't too bad, but then it hit around day 4 with the mood/emotional issues. Farmie and I got in a little argument over basically nothing and I found myself crying hysterically in the bathroom. Then my Lurpon induced brain started thinking suicidal thoughts. While crying hysterically I looked up at the light bulbs in the bathroom thinking I could break them and use the glass to slit my wrists. I KNOW logically that I don't want to do that, that I have a great life and would never do that to myself or my family. But in spite of that the feeling and thought was there. When I calmed down I googled suicide and Lurpon. And guess what? Suicidal thoughts are a side effect and there have actually been many reports of people committing suicide while on Lupron, but mostly male cancer patients that have taken it over extended periods of time. So I learned I'm not depressed, I'm not insane. It's just this stupid drug I have to take.

I've been really good about exercising every day except the last two days. We've been with family and there isn't a place to work out. I've gone on walks, but I don't think it is as much as I need while taking Lupron. I think that might be why I've had headaches the last couple of days. I never get them and of course while googling I found that it's another common side effect. It is extremely frustrating to me that the nurse doesn't bother with exercise or diet suggestions when they clearly help from my own experience and from reading online.

Other side effects I've had: legs falling asleep, craving chocolate after every meal (weird I know) and feeling super tired around 2 or 3 every day, vision seems a little blurry, plus a really low sex drive

I'm counting the days until I no longer have to subject my body to this. Poor Farmie has been so good. He's had so much patience with me and is doing his best to be helpful and limit stress. A little hard to do while we are with 11 of his family members, but we've survived and we head back home tonight.

Merry Christmas!!

2011-12-25T16:47:00.001-08:00

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas! In spite of feeling very tired because of the Lupron, being stressed about traveling with the meds and the dark place my thoughts go from the slightest of irritations (thank you again Lupron), I am having a pretty good holiday with my amazing husband. Additional family members...not so fabulous, but I'm trying to focus on the magic of this holiday.

Wishing you all presents not wrapped in bows, but presents of the heart.

Day 4 of Lupron

2011-12-20T09:40:00.001-08:00

The insanity has begun. I feel like everything is too much to handle right now and every little discussion with Farmie about something remotely stressful seems like a crisis.

I had a meltdown last night because we have to travel over the next few days. Lupron has to be refrigerated. It is so simple logically to figure out a way to bring it with us: a cooler...ice packs. However, emotionally I'm almost distraught with fear that the medication will be affected by temperature changes.

We're going on a two day trip with Farmie's family. His brother and family, sister and her family and his parents. There is a water park that they will be spending a lot of time at. I told Farmie that I wouldn't be joining in. For one...injection sites kind of gross me out and all I have are bikinis. Two: I don't want to be in water where babies in diapers are playing in when I have injection sites (just a little bit of a germ issue). Three: yesterday was my last day of my birth control so I have been and will continue bleeding.

I've told Farmie that I think it's already affecting me hormonally/emotionally. He's trying his best to be delicate with me. He cuddled with me after our argument last night and I rarely need that, but I needed it last night.

No one said this would be easy. I knew that I would most likely be affected this way by Lupron. I just hope that all this time with family in combination with the drugs doesn't create a major meltdown. Fingers crossed...

Transfer Cycle

2011-12-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

We have our calendar and meds ordered for our transfer cycle. I start Lupron and Estrace on the 16th and our transfer is scheduled for January 17th based on labs etc. The Estrace was a surprise since I had asked the nurse what I would have to take for the transfer cycle and she never mentioned it. We've repeatedly asked her to share as much as possible with us and that we would like details on the process. I understand that she does this all of the time and that she probably gets tired of explaining the same thing over and over, but isn't that her job? When we read reviews of the clinic we heard negative things about the doctor's bedside manner and overall coldness. However, for our experience the nurse has been much worse. She sounds irritated and short every time I ask her a question. It's my body, it's my right to know. I don't show my frustration with her because it will just make everything worse. This clinic is our only option in town. To top it all off we almost missed being on the January cycle because she thought we wanted to wait even though I had two conversations with her to let her know we wanted to move forward. Plus she ordered my birth control, which is the first step 3 weeks ago.

I'm going into this kicking and screaming again. I was okay and had accepted the Lupron, but I know the Estrace is going to make my hormones go crazy. I'm mental on high dose birth control and can only imagine what it's going to be like.

And with everything else going on our house just went under contract so we are house hunting and will most likely be moving close to the time of the transfer. Plus my grandpa was admitted to ICU yesterday due to complications caused by ulcers. Farmie and I are both stressed out right now not to mention the holidays and family that will be visiting...

Another Advertising Opportunity

2011-12-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Another new fixture on the blog at the top! This is another one that seems to have a great product. It's called Exposed Skincare.

Banner Ad

2011-12-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

I added a new banner add and you can too! Look to the right side of my blog just below my profile info. The company is Chunky Bling and I thought the mothers bracelet was really cute so I used that one for my banner.

Hypnotherapy

2011-11-30T17:25:00.000-08:00

Say or think what you will, but before I actually did hypnotherapy I thought it wasn't real. I didn't think anyone could possibly make me relax by counting backwards with their amazingly monotone voice. But I did it and it definitely worked. I went in because while I was on vacation I kept thinking that I was disconnected from my body. My mind was here, my body was here, and obviously they're attached, but they weren't a cohesive unit. It's really difficult to explain. I felt like there had been a separation at some point during this IVF process and once it dawned on me I realized that's probably exactly what I had to do in order to move forward with the injections and the entire procedure. I was so against doing this and harming my body I mentally separated myself from it...

So I laid on the lounge and we worked on connecting my mind with my body again. She also worked on releasing my fears short term and long term regarding IVF. I felt SO relaxed afterwards and so grounded. It was absolutely worth it and I'm going again when I have to start the Lupron injections.

Thanksgiving Vaca

2011-11-22T15:33:00.001-08:00

Farmie and I are enjoying a much needed vacation. No meds, no doctor visits... Sunshine, walks on the beach, lazy days and good food. Hawaii is our happy place and has always been good to us. It's good to get away from everything, including IVF.

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving

In Preparation of Round 2

2011-11-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

Has anyone had their transfer postponed due to not having blastocysts on Day 5? Our clinic is very strict about that and I wondered if anyone else has had similar issues.

I talked to the nurse yesterday and she told me that having 5 blastocysts out of the number of embryos we started with was typical and that it isn't a reflection of an underlying issue. Some relief there, but still wondering if we will ever see the end of this.

If we do a transfer in January I will have to start birth control in less than 2 weeks and then begin Lupron injections shortly after that. Mentally, part of me would like to get this over with and just keep charging ahead. Another part of me wants to enjoy the ski season and the holidays med free. I also don't feel like my body is back to normal yet. I've still continued to have a lot of bloating on and off. It may be that I started adding a few carbs here and there since I was not longer taking the meds, but I must still have some in my system that are reacting to them. I've also had some discomfort in my ovaries and don't know when that will be completely gone. Physically and mentally, I almost need reassurance that my body is okay. I would like to go through a natural cycle before we start this all over again. Farmie just wants to charge forward and is almost paranoid about the delay in a weird way.

I'm not sure what to do. If we don't do a January transfer we won't be able to do it until March. They do cycles every other month. What do you guys think??

Am I in a SIMS game?

2011-11-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

This is how I feel today. I feel like someone has been playing with us and just pushing us to the limit. Someone in charge has a sick sense of humor right now.

We had 10 embryos and now we only have 5. Only 5 developed to the correct stage for vitrification. I wasn't expecting this kind of news and I feel like this is all going to be a total waste. Yes, we AT LEAST have 5, but what about when they warm them up for transfer? How many are we going to lose then?

And even though the nurse told me this wasn't that bad of an outcome I still wonder if this is a sign of DNA fragmentation. She told me normally 70% get to the right stage, 50% isn't that bad...

On top of that news I learned that I will have to take Lupron before the next transfer. I asked her for how long and she just said "quite a while". WTF does that mean?

I don't even feel like telling my parents or anyone else for that matter. What's the point of dragging them onto this rollercoaster?

I'm going out this weekend and I'm going to get drunk and play pool. THAT is what I will look forward to.

Transfer

2011-11-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

Today was to be our schedule transfer day, but they canceled. Our clinic only does transfers on Day 5 and the embryos have to be blastocysts in order for them to do it. We have 7 that were very close to that stage, but weren't quite there yet. The others are lagging a little bit behind.

They will free them using a vitrification process and we call our nurse tomorrow to see what the next step is. Farmie and I have decided to wait until after Christmas even if we could do the transfer earlier. We don't want to be stressed out during the holidays and we will not be home during that time which makes injections and rest a little bit more difficult.

I mentally prepared myself for this so I'm not taking the delay that bad. I'm just looking at the plus sides: no stress during the holidays, being able to drink, being able to exercise and have sex when I want, being able to SKI and drink coffee! And not have a curfew based around our injection schedule...

Farmie isn't taking it as well as I am. He said he just wanted to keep moving forward and have it over with. He's also frustrated with the additional $3,000 that this delay will cost us. But we have no control over it and the clinic knows what is best.

For now I'm looking forward to putting away the progesterone needles and just being normal for a while...

WOW Relief!

2011-11-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

The clinic called and I got such a shock. We not only have 9 healthy embryos we actually have 10!! They counted wrong!

I was so worried about the DNA fragmentation issue. I didn't think they would all be going strong. And was totally surprised by the fact that we have 10!!

10!

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers!!

Celebratory date with Farmie tonight :)

Google is Evil

2011-11-10T10:12:00.001-08:00

I've been freaking out today after googling DNA Fragmentation. It is something that is common with men that have MFI like Farmie's. Not only did I learn that it can cause the embroys to die, but it can also cause repeated miscarriages... AND the worst part is that there is a $225 test that we could have done to evaluate his sperm prior to all of this :(

Why did I have to find out about this now???

On top of the worries I'm already feeling attached to the 9 little embryos we have at the clinic. I wasn't expecting to feel this at all. They're just dividing cells in terms of the scientific aspect of this, but it's a very strange maternal feeling.

Retrieval Process & Results

2011-11-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

I'm the type of person that wants to know all of the details ahead of time. So for the sake of some of you that might be reading this because you will be going through this soon here is the process for the egg retrieval:

Farmie dropped off a sample 2.5 hrs before I had to be at the clinic. When I got to the clinic for my appointment they took my blood pressure and hooked me up to an IV. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me some general questions about my medical history. After a stop at the bathroom they led me to the operating room. There were three people when I went in. A nurse who always assists with the ultrasounds. Another person I had never met that was standing near the monitor and the anesthesiologist. They put a petri dish on the monitor that I had to identify as having my name. The anesthesiologist didn't warn me like you see on TV. "You'll start to feel very relaxed..." Nope, he just put something in my IV and I started to fade.

I woke up in recovery with warm blankets on my stomach and a new nurse asking me how I was feeling. I could feel discomfort especially on my left side. That was the side that produced the most eggs. I remember thinking that if I felt this bad right afterwards the pain was surely going to be worse once I woke up fully. I pinched myself to see if I was still feeling numb and if the pain I was feeling was just the edge of what was to come. But the pinch hurt and so I assumed that the pain wasn't going to get worse. Funny the thoughts that run through our head when we are still semi drugged :) I asked the nurse for some water and she said I could have some once I woke up a little more. I started feeling more and more awake and then my mouth started watering. The vomit kind of mouth watering. I told the nurse and she gave me an anti-nausea medication through my IV. It worked well and once I became more alert they moved me to a chair and gave me water, juice, and crackers. They asked me if Farmie was in the waiting room and I told them that they needed to call him. He was at work only 5 mins away. Shortly after the nurse called him she came and told me how many eggs we got. 13!! I was so relieved. That seems like a great solid number.

They told me Farmie was here for me and I got up and they moved to another room where I could get dressed. I saw the Dr who is a man of very few words and he had a look of pride on his face when I walked by. I was still a little sedated and I think I just said, "Hi, thank you." I remember it was weird that he was just standing there. Farmie was already in the room that I would get dressed in and he helped me with my socks and shoes. We drove to a smoothie place and got me something since I wasn't able to eat anything prior to the appointment since 11 pm the previous night. Then we stopped at the pharmacy and we picked up some Tylenol Codeine.

Yesterday I really didn't feel comfortable unless I was sitting reclined on the couch. I never felt a throbbing constant pain, just menstrual cramps X 5. I haven't had any discomfort or bleeding in the vaginal walls at all. My ovaries just feel like they've taken a beating. My abdomen was fairly swollen yesterday, but has been better today and I don't have as much discomfort walking around.

We did our first progesterone shot last night as well. Farmie still needs to master that. It hurt while he did it and I had to keep pressure on it for 10 minutes then put a heating pad on it to help it absorb into my system for about 20 minutes. I have to take Medrol for 5 days.

I feel much better this morning and will take it easy today again. Much less discomfort and I don't plan on taking any more of the pain medication. We were supposed to go have dinner with friends tonight, but I've asked Farmie to cancel. Luckily, I make my own schedule at work and can also work from home if I need to. No one at work knows what's going on. I just told them I wasn't feeling well yesterday and would be in when I felt better.

We already have our fertilization results!!! Of the 13 eggs they retrieved 11 were mature and 9 have fertilized. They will not call us again until Friday. Friday will be Day 3 and it is a crucial point. We will learn if Farmie has an underlying DNA issue. If so our little embryos will start to die around that time. We're hoping for the best and that's all we can do.

I'm relieved and so very grateful I've made it this far without any major complications from the meds or the retrieval. I feel like I'm passed the hard part. I'm looking forward to being able to be active again. I've really been pining for the treadmill and my pilates class...

Dr instructions until we have a positive pregnancy test, which will be on the 20th:
no sex (yikes!)
no caffeine, alcohol
no exercise

Egg Retrieval Day

2011-11-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

Today's the big day! I'm grateful to have made it to this point without any major issues. I've done my part and now everything else is out of my control. I'm anxious about how many eggs we will get because I never want to go through this again. But I also have to remind myself that there is no point in worrying...it won't change anything.

Sedation and anesthesia never work very well on me. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out I woke up with they were cracking my teeth. Even at the dentist the local stuff they gives you wears off very quickly. I really would prefer not to wake up spread eagle and strapped down. Here's to having a good sleep and some good dreams :)

Junkie Arms, Pin Cushion Tummy

2011-11-06T09:38:00.001-08:00

So having labs almost every day the last few days have left my arms looking like I'm a junkie. Good thing it's long sleeve weather! I've had a reaction to the Ganirelix shot each time I've taken it, which is twice now. The injection spot turns really red and burns on and off through out the evening. I shouldn't have to take anymore of that at this point. I'm not feeling bloated really, just more pressure than anything. It feels exactly like you would think. Like a really full stomach except in your ovaries!

Good news is I'm done with the Gonal-F!!! YEAH!!!! Tonight is the "trigger shot" which is just a really large does of HCG. The nurse said that my retrieval will be Tuesday. I'm so glad that I'm done with the Gonal-F and I hope I'm done FOREVER! My left ovary is the dominant one and is packed full and has been responding really well to meds. My right has lagged behind a little. They've tried to give it a little time to catch up hence the slight delay in the retrieval.

I had the nurse mark my hip for the HCG injection spot. It will also be the same injection spot for the Progestrone once we get to that point. Farmie is going to have to learn the art of injections. He hasn't even watched me so far (at my request). Dreading this part as well, but just trying to focus on two months down the road...when I can be med free and planning a natural birth.

Lab Results

2011-11-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

Lab results again today showed that everything is going well. They are keeping me on the same dose, but I have to take the Ganirelix shot tomorrow evening. They said that it doesn't look like I will ovulate prematurely, but they want to make sure I don't. I go in for labs again Saturday. My gut feel is that I'll be in for the egg retrieval Sunday.

Farmie's excited. I'm not. There are so many more steps for us before I think I will be excited about any of this.

Labs & Follicle Count

2011-11-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

The increase in meds put my estrogen levels right where they wanted them. My follicles doubled since the last labs so right now there is a count of 20. I'm keeping the same does and I go in again tomorrow to see what's changed and to see how things are doing. If all goes well during the next couple of days retrieval should be Saturday or Sunday.

I'm relieved that I'm nearing the end of this stage, but day 3 will be crucial. If Farmie has an underlying DNA issue then the embryos will die during that time. I just have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do to change that outcome. It's completely out of my hands. I've prepared myself for the possibility that even though we are going through this nothing is guaranteed. If our embryos die, I'm donating the rest of my eggs. I've already decided that.

I'm feeling super tired especially by the afternoon. Since the increase in meds I've had sharp pains in my chest, but not really my heart or lungs just tissue if that makes sense. I've kept a strict diet of no carbs and lots of water and I think it may be helping. Bloating is very minimal. I bought a bunch of clothes thinking I would need them, but I haven't had to wear anything of them yet.

Friends

2011-11-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri Nouwen

There's nothing like IVF to show you who your true friends are. I feel like I've been avoided like the plague lately. A handful of my closest friends know about what is going on, but only two of them have checked in with me this last week and asked how things are going. It's hurtful and I'm trying not to take it personal. I know it's awkward and people that don't understand aren't sure what they should say or do. All I know is that it means so much to me when someone just texts me, calls, or messages me on FB and asks me how things are going. Just to know that someone is thinking of me means so much. I know that my other friends are probably just waiting for the results and they all see me as a very strong independent woman, which I am. But sometimes we just need our friends and I'm learning who will be there for me during this process and who is just waiting for the pregnancy annoucement so they can skip the nasty part and join in the celebration.

A client and now adopted family member of mine (not literally, she's in her 50s :) was diagnosed last year with breast cancer. It's not remotely the same as IVF in any way, but it was a very difficult time for her. She's finally completely done with chemo and is cancer free. YEAH! But during her treatment I sent her flowers and cards and had lunch with her when she was able to. Point is I'm always there for my friends when they have a crisis regardless of what it is. I make myself available and I do what I can to help. I already see that I will have to forgive some people for not being the friend I expected them to be. But isn't that how we must accept everyone? Limitations and all...?

Double Dose

2011-10-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

I went in for labs and ultrasound Saturday morning. My DR is a man of very few words and I think it's because he doesn't want to start a conversation when it's lab and ultrasound day. There are 80 people on our cycle and he stays in the middle room with the ultrasound equipment and two adjoining rooms rotate the patients in and out. The appointment is less than two minutes. They don't give you a robe. You take everything off from the waist down and all they give you is one of those little paper covers. I wrap mine around me like a towel. I always wonder if some patients just bare ass it into the room...? The DR says about 10 words max to the assistant in the room. All he said was "not too much going on yet" and then he did a count for a total of 10 follicles.

A nurse called me later Saturday morning and told me to continue my current dose because my estrogen levels were rising. But then our assigned nurse called me this morning and told me that the DR reviewed my file again and he wants me to double my dose this morning and then increase from 150 Gonal-F to 225 twice a day and stick with the same does of 20 HCG. This means I run out of meds tomorrow. So I had to place another order for Gonal-F at the not so low price of $800. My next labs and ultrasound will be Tuesday. I'm not sure how one look at my file says to do one thing and another suggests such an increase... I have little trust in the medical community, but I have a lot of HOPE that this will all work out just fine in spite of their instructions.

The injections are becoming normal for me. Not because they hurt less physically, but because emotionally I've just accepted it as my duty. I didn't get as upset as I thought I would from the dose increase either. It might also be because my side affects have been very minimal. I've had headaches and have been really tired, but not a lot of bloating yet. My pilates instructor has had a lot of clients go through IVF and she suggested that I not eat any carbs during this time and to make sure I eat protein at every meal. I've kept with that and feel pretty good overall. I'm not sure what the increase will do, but hopefully it's enough to give them the results they want and not too much that it will lead to OHS.

Dosage

2011-10-26T16:11:00.001-07:00

Tonight's the night...I have to start with 300 of the Gonal-F and 20 HCG. Then tomorrow 150 Gonal F in the morning and 150 at night with 20 HCG and repeat that each day until I have labs next.

The nurse made the comment that they start everyone out high and taper it down if needed unless you're an egg donor. But essentially I am an egg donor...so I'm wondering why they are starting me out so high.

What were your dosages and how did it affect you?

Tomorrow it begins

2011-10-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading. It will be the first day of the meds (Gonal-F and low dose HCG). I go in at 7 am for labs and an ultrasound. Our nurse wants to meet with us and review all of the meds. They will give me my dosage amounts for the next three days and then I will go in again Saturday at 7 am for labs and an ultrasound.

I'm questioning my sanity since I still appear to be moving forward with this. Yes, this is still a daily surprise...that this is happening to ME and I'm putting MY body through this. But it's the right thing to do. If I chose to not move forward it would be incredibly selfish.

I have to surrender to this path that has been chosen for us and there will be no turning back, no giving up. (Yes, this is part post, part pep talk for myself.)

In the meantime, I've found that if I keep myself busy I have a much better state of mind. This weekend I insisted that we got a new closet system. I've wanted one since we moved into this house 4 years ago and my side of the closet fell in on itself. Farmie just wanted to fix the braces, but I wasn't compromising on this. It took us two days, but we completed it and everything is so organized!! I needed that and even though it's just a closet it makes me happy. So I will be looking for new projects to keep me busy. I think the storage room could keep me busy for a week, that might be next...

Gotta Vent

2011-10-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law is a very simple man. I've told him before that I didn't want to discuss the IVF process with him because some of the comments he makes are hurtful and he doesn't even realize it. The last time he told me we should implant two embryos instead of one because he thinks twins would be fun. I don't give a %&$# what you think would be "fun" I have to carry them and I have to care for them. Another time he told me that a lot of the times he thinks it's because the woman just needs to relax. No, sorry, your son has a fertility issue. Get that into your head!!!

And today, today he tells me that I should see this as a problem that we both have to deal with not just something that I have to go through. Then he proceeds to ask me how I would feel if the problem was the other way around. How would I feel if I had the issue and not Farmie?? Well for starters it wouldn't change much! I would still have to go through exactly what I'm going through now. Why can't people just keep their mouth shut and wish us the best without imposing their uneducated and unwanted advice??!!

For those out there that come across someone with infertility issues your comments should be supportive. If you feel the urge to tell someone how to change their mindset, their perspective or what they should(shouldn't do) do everyone a favor and DON'T SAY IT!! All it does is make an already stressed out person have more stress. Plus, in the end you will be labeled as one of the friends that won't be relied on when someone's going through a tough time. Unless you have experienced it yourself ZIP IT!

Box of Goodies

2011-10-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

The meds are here and the delivery was immediately followed by a teary meltdown. I'm realizing that with each step of this process it sinks in a little more and I momentarily lose it. It's becoming more real when I can sit down and look through the meds that I will be injecting and ingesting. Struggling with the fact that I am doing this to my healthy body isn't going away and it's something I just have to deal with. I feel like I'm punishing my body. I feel like I'm letting it down. I feel like I'm having to treat it as though it's diseased. That horrifies me.

All I can do is hope that I come out of this as healthy as I was when it all started. And hope that there are no long term effects. I feel like I'm insane for doing this at times and maybe I am. It's just a testament to what we will do for those that we love and I hope I don't regret it.

He Gets It

2011-10-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've written on here before about my childhood experience. I lived in a home with two alcoholics. My mother quit drinking when I was 8 (only to start up again 20 years later on my wedding night-whole different story), but is extremely co-dependent. My dad has only recently slowed his drinking due to health reasons. The relationship I have with my father is complicated. We are so close in so many ways, but he has devastated me in so many others. But one consistency through everything is that he has ALWAYS been there. Drunk or sober, he's never left me. He treated me more like a friend than a daughter and that has probably created a different relationship than most father/daughter relationships.

Some might see it as an unlikely source of comfort during this IVF process, but my Daddy gets it. He's the only person I've been able to talk to about this whole process that doesn't make a single comment that stings. He's sad for me, but he's knows I'm strong too. He listens and he researches. He ask questions and shares his concerns. He trusts that I know what I'm doing and knows that I'm doing what is best for Farmie and I. I can't describe how much this has meant to me. Although, it's probably an awkward subject for fathers to discuss their daughters eggs, ovaries etc, it's been invaluable to me.

I love him more than anyone else in the world. I'm almost 30, but I still need him. I always will. I'm so grateful he's still here for me. Listening and comforting me in his own way. When he tells me, "Baby, it will all work out." I believe him. I need that hope now more than ever before.

Foster Care Thoughts

2011-10-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

Some of my foster care followers might be wondering why we haven't had any placements lately. For one, we only get called about once every 4 months and two: the stress of this IVF stuff is tiring in itself. However, I would still take a placement if we were asked and it was a good fit for us.

We went to a harvest festival today and it really reminded me of Natalie, Nathan and Baby J. We had them with us last year and it seems like that was eons ago. I miss Baby J's chubby cheeks and his little flirt smile. He was such a ham. Their grandmother has kept in contact with me, but says little about the children when I ask about them. She usually vents more about what's going on with her and seems to have put the kids out of her mind as soon as they were sent to their father's homes.

A girlfriend of mine was just approved for her foster care license. They have been trying to get pregnant for years and haven't had luck. They don't have the money for IVF or for a private agency adoption. I had many talks with her about adopting through foster care and I'm so happy that she moved forward with it. She desperately wants to be a mother and I think they'll give some little kiddo the perfect childhood.

What a strange path it's been from volunteering at the nursery, to foster care, to working through our infertility issues. Life is certainly full of surprises...

No Side Effects...YEAH!

2011-10-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't experienced any side effects since the first day I took the Levothyroxine!!! I'm ridiculously grateful. Hopefully, it was just my body adjusting to something new in my system.

Needles Needles and More Needles

2011-10-14T10:04:00.001-07:00

We went to our infertility class last night and learned how to do the injections. I will have to inject Gonal-F (daily), low dose HCG (daily), Ganirelix, the "Trigger Shot" (not sure what med that is yet) and oil based progesterone (daily) later on once the egg(s) are implanted. The progesterone shots will be the worse because of the size of the needle that you have to use. It's much larger because it's an oil. These meds cost $2500. They will bill my insurance and see if it covers anything, but it most likely won't.

The first Gonal-F and HCG will be started October 26th. Ganirelix prevents you for ovulating prematurely so labs will determine when I will have to take that. I will have to go to the DR at 7 am every other day for lab testing and ultrasounds once I start the Gonal-F and HCG. The Trigger Shot is what makes your body ready for the egg retrieval so I won't know when I will take that yet either, just depends on labs. There is also an oral medication that I will have to take 5 days following the implantation. I will have to take the progesterone from implantation until I'm two months pregnant.

There were 4 other couples in the class. Two were from out of town. I couldn't imagine having to travel to go to the DR and all the added stress that would come from that.

Farmie and I took separate cars home since we had both come from work and I cried the majority of the way home. This time it was more about the realness of everything and the added kicker of the size of that lovely progesterone needle... I'm less than two weeks from the date of when I will have to start doing these injections. I will just have to take it day by day. Farmie was pretty upset after the class. He says that he feels terrible that I have to go through all of this. He's feeling like a burden right now and I'm not sure how to make that better when I'm dealing with all of my feelings regarding this at the same time. He says that he understands if I chose to not do this, but it isn't an option. If I don't do this I feel like I'm not just giving up on Farmie having a biological child, but I'm giving up on us...our marriage. That I can't do.

Is it hot in here or is it just me??!!

2011-10-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Levothyroxine, the thyroid medication the clinic prescribed, is already pissing me off. I started my first pill this morning and I've been burning up all day. It freaks me out that I'm already seeing side effects of this medication. If I start to lose my hair I will have total hysterical fit. Please let this be the only side effect I experience!!

A new wardrobe

2011-10-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

In preparation for all the bloating I've been reading about I bought a few new clothes. My work clothes are all very form fitting so I needed to do something. I didn't want to wake up and try to get dressed and have nothing to wear. I could probably even wear some of the clothes if I'm 9 months pregnant. I'm realizing that if I focus on the future and having a healthy pregnancy my mood is much better. It takes me out of the self pity mode I found myself in earlier this week. Not that it won't come back...I know this is going to be a roller coaster, but for now (today) I've got a grip on it.

Thyroid link to infertility

2011-10-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I called the clinic today because I was having some spotting due to the shift from one birth control packet to another without allowing for a period. She assured me that was normal, but said that there was something she needed to discuss in my file.

My thyroid level tested at 5.08 She said that this fluctuates all the time, but they like the range to be between 2 and 3. The normal range is 1-5 according to her and what I've read online.

I will start medication this week and have to set an alarm to take it at 5 am every morning since I have to take it on a completely empty stomach.

I had an attitude adjustment this weekend and it was reinforced by a friend's post of this on FB. Number 1 is a big one for me right now. I will have to constantly remind myself of this. Here is quote that I find helpful too:

"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."
-Maya Angelou

Please forgive me

2011-10-07T16:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Body:

You've been so good to me. Thank you for each cell that I've always tried to keep safe, healthy and strong.

Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. I will inject you with abnormal levels of hormones so that you produce more eggs. You will be bloated and bruised, but I don't have a choice. You will undergo surgery that may be painful, but there are no other options.

I know you're very confused right now and trying to sort through a chemical chaos. But you are strong, you will survive and you will make a baby for Farmie.

Love you,

Nichole

Finding someone to relate to

2011-10-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

I am having a very difficult time finding a couple to talk to here locally or even finding ONE blog about a woman going through infertility treatments due to her husband's issue. There are numerous blogs and boards on it being the woman's issue and the husband's or just the woman's, but there is nothing on someone going through IVF solely because of a male issue. At least I haven't found anything yet...

I'm overwhelmed by the anger I feel through this entire experience. It feels like with every appointment we learn more about the hormones and the process and it just gets worse and worse. I know that Farmie has to feel awful. And I feel terrible for him, but IVF is so invasive. I'm someone that watches what I eat, I exercise, I take care of my body. And now I'm expected to inject my normal, healthy body with hormones and have surgery...all of which have potential long term side effects.

I have nothing to compare this to, so I don't know if my feelings are normal. I will never WANT to do this. But I feel like I don't have a choice. I feel like I don't have any other options that end well. We can continue trying on our on and wait for a miracle or we can put it off. If we put it off I think that once I do get to the point of being desperate for a baby I will be very resentful towards Farmie. If we adopt I will be resentful. A donor isn't an option, because Farmie isn't comfortable with it.

I went to sleep crying over this last night and I'm starting the morning off the same. My close friends are doing the best they can of trying to understand what I'm going through, but no one really can. If we do move forward with IVF I'm doing this for my marriage and for Farmie and that's the only thing that will get me through this.

What researching the internet doesn't tell you about IVF...

2011-10-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

Even if you have a perfectly fine uterus, such as in my case, IVF still sucks. I learned today that I will have to start hormones October 26th. I will have to continue with daily injects even after pregnancy. To be exact I will have to inject progesterone into my ass until I am 8 weeks pregnant. That's a full 3 months of hormones when you include the month of hormones I have to take for the egg retrieval. I also learned today that even though they will most likely be able to retrieve plenty of eggs mid November I will still have to endure 3 months of injections with each pregnancy. I won't have to go through an egg retrieval again, but they will control my cycle with hormones again and use progesterone through the 8th week of any future pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the science is there, but the wear and tear on the body and the ups and downs of the hormones on a perfectly healthy body is what's killing me. I'm not the one that has the issue and I'm taking the blows. I don't see how people do this to themselves without questioning it. I don't see how you just suck it up and move forward. Either I'm crazy, I don't want a baby bad enough or other women go through this, but don't express it because we're told it will all be worth it. If one more person tells me I need to focus on the end result I will most likely vomit on them.

I feel like I've started down a road that is slowing closing in on me and the only option is continue walking forward. This is not a joyful experience, this is not romantic, this is not easy and I haven't even started...

When are you going to have kids???

2011-08-30T17:03:00.001-07:00

I hear this all the time... My last response:

"When God talks my uterus into it."

Diving in...IVF

2011-08-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

After two failed IUI treatments we decided to see a specialist. We only have one fertility doctor in our town. We've heard mixed things about his personality, but all great feedback regarding his stats. They did another analysis on Farmie for a fresh start. The results were essentially the same, but the DR has a different approach when it comes to our results. Statistically, as things are we have a 15% of getting pregnant over a 3 year period. In his mind the IUI treatments are exactly the same as us trying on our own. In his research and experience that would do nothing to help us.

We had a 3 hr appointment today that started with Infertility 101 basically where he explained the stats and procedures of IVF. He also went into detail about the hormones used and the side effects. His clinic does IVF in groups every few months. We will be grouped in with about 80 other couples for a cycle that happens in November.

He did an ultrasound on me and a full exam. Everything looked fine, we will have to do blood tests for hormone levels and diseases at the next appointment which will be in about 2 weeks. His statistics for his clinic show that in my age bracket we have about a 89% chance of getting pregnant through the IVF. At the next appointment I will also start on birth control so that they can control my cycle and match it up with the calendar for their next round of IVF cycles, which happens to be in November.

I will then start taking the hormone treatments that I have to inject. They will cause my body to produce more eggs than usual and they will harvest all of the eggs that are released while I'm sedated. There could be from 4-30 eggs harvested. They will then take those eggs and fertilize about 4-10 and allow them to mature. We've decided to keep the remaining of the eggs and freeze them. We've also decided to have them freeze any unused embryos. We haven't decided if we want to inplant 1 or 2 embryos yet. I'm also finding out more info about donating any extra eggs. It seems like such a waste to go through the process and just keep them frozen.

The cost for all of this is about $20,000. It all has to be paid in full at the time of the procedure. They don't do payment plans of any sort.

Here we go again...

2011-08-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

We did another IUI procedure yesterday. I have little hope this time that it will work and I'm just going through the motions.

This has been a frustrating process and I've reached my limit of hope and having a positive attitude towards it. There are days when I can have faith that what will be is meant to be and then there are other days that my tolerance is gone.

I've realized lately that I'm in a constant state of half fed up. Don't know how else to explain it. It seems like being frustrated about this makes me have less patience and tolerance with everything. Such an uplifting and inspirational post I know!!

We'll see what happens in a couple weeks.

IUI Update

2011-06-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

The IUI procedure was not a success. We will go back this month for two treatments, two days in a row. If this round doesn't work our only other option for a bio child would be IVF, which I've dreaded since we found out about our issue.

I'm disappointed, but I feel like I've become numb as well. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing!

Questions about Disclosure

2011-06-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

I was at the nursery this week and one of the children had a pretty significant cut on him that was covered with a band aid. Mom mentioned nothing when she dropped him off. When questioning the child she said a monster did it. When we asked who was the monster he said mommy. When asked why it happened he said because he wasn't listening. The nursery had to report it to CPS, but management said that we asked too many questions... I'm used to asking questions, but not leading ones. As a foster parent I feel like you want to get as much info as possible to protect yourself and the child. Maybe not the right approach in a nursery setting...? I thought disclosure would be the same. Anyone have experience with both?

Florida Welfare Drug-Test

2011-06-08T11:12:00.001-07:00

Curious to know what everyone thinks about this... Causing a hot debate all over the place!

Read an article HERE

IUI Procedure

2011-06-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday and Wednesday we went to my OBGYN office and did an IUI procedure. We decided to do it two days in a row to increase our chances. The procedure is $250 and the entire appointment each day took about an hour. The nurses said both days that it looked like a good sample so we are hoping it will work. We should know in a couple of weeks if we're pregnant!!

I feel confident about the procedure. I'm hoping it works so that we don't have to do hormonal fertility treatments and IVF. But we will see how it goes!

Finally in a good place

2011-04-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting anything on here lately because I was in such a dark place with the infertility issues. I tried focusing on myself more. I tried taking up new things that I really enjoy and some of that has been great. But I never expected how much all of this would make me question my life and my relationship with my husband. I had no idea the resentment I would feel, the frustration and just a need to escape.

We took up skiing and I took up photography. The photography was great because it's something I love and can do on my own. The last few months have been very rough and I feel like I've finally risen above it. The depression I fell into was aweful and I suffered and my husband suffered, our marriage suffered.

We've reconnected and have decided to move forward with the fertility treatments. We will be going either this month or next month. I'm finally at a place now where I want to go to the consultation and see what our options are. I think I can also say that I'm fairly certain I would do anything at this point. We're both so ready to move on to the next stage in our life.

Fertility is such an issue I think because as humans we feel that it is a given that we will procreate. We will be able to pass on our genes and create a family that is part of us. When that doesn't happen naturally it goes against what we see everyday and what we have always thought of ourselves. It made me question everything including whether or not I made the right decision marrying Farmie, which breaks my heart because he's so amazing. He's been so good through all of this and I know this is probably even more difficult for him because it is his fertility issue that is causing the problem. But we all deal with difficulities differently and my response has been a long process of emotional stages that I never saw coming.

I hope from here on out I can share our story and keep a positive light on things. In the end we all need hope and faith and I lost that for a while.

Natalie and Nathan

2011-01-05T14:58:00.000-08:00

Today was the day these kids have been waiting for. They've been in the foster care system for two years. Their mother is still on drugs and has been in and out of jail since her initial arrest. She hasn't seen them since they were taken away.

The court ordered them to be placed with the bio dad in another state. I have mixed feelings about it, but I hope that he has good intentions and that they will from here on out have a consistent and happy childhood. They need permanency. They deserve to be loved and given guidance and feel like they are wanted. I don't think they got that in their grandparent's home.

We provided respite every month for the last 18 months. I hope that they learned something from me and Farmie that may help them later on. I hope that they hold their memories of the lake and their weekends with us as happy memories. I wish the best for them and will always remember those blue eyed blonde hair little kiddos that taught us so much.

Funk

2011-01-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

This infertility business is getting the best of me. I didn't realize how much it would affect my outlook, my mood...my daily life. It makes me question everything. I know there is a lesson in all of this, but I don't know what that is yet.

There are so many things going on in my mind right now. I'm not going to spend every day worried about this anymore and questioning why this is happening. I decided yesterday to start volunteering again at the crisis nursery. We aren't being utilized as much as I thought we would for respite care and emergency placements. I loved being at the nursery and it's what started this whole foster care process to begin with.

I'm going to take more time for me and make a point to do things that I enjoy outside of being a couple. If I don't I feel like I'm going to get lost in this funk and it won't be good for me or for my husband.

Not a very upbeat post for the New Year, but sort of a resolution none the less. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and let's hope that the 2011 brings us good health, happiness and in my case some clarity and peace.

Grateful

2010-11-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm so grateful that I started this blog and found a way to record my life with Farmie and all of things that we have been dealing with over the last couple years. Thank you for reading and for making me feel like I can share anything. I was hesitant to write "Dear Mother" because it's very personal, but I needed to write that. Writing it brought up all those old emotions. It helped to get that off my chest. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 19 years old. Two therapists suggested that it's probably best to not have a relationship with her, but I can't seem to do that. I set boundaries with her and try to make her respect them, but I don't think that I could ever cut off my communication with her. She will always be a part of my life. She is my mother.

Having this type of relationship helps me understand why foster children, no matter how horrible their parents have been to them, still want their biological parents. Having this type of relationship with my mother has also taught me what type of mother I do not want to be.

My mother was raised in a home with a mentally ill mother. She was the oldest of 6 children. She was the little mother and was expected to take care of the other children. If she didn't she was punished. Her father was and is a very sweet loving man, but he put a lot of the parenting responsibilities on her since she was the oldest and because my grandmother didn't do her part. I really believe that my grandmother is bipolar. She was either in bed and refusing to talk to anyone or up and alert and having fun.

My grandmother was the oldest of 4 children and at a young age they were all dropped off at an orphanage because their parents were no longer able to care for them. I was told it was because they were too poor. My grandmother's aunt came and picked up 3 of the children and left my grandmother in the orphanage. My mother told me that when children were bad in the orphanage they would lock them in the cellar all alone with the lights off. I can't imagine how my grandmother must have felt being left there by her parents and then abandoned all over again when her aunt just took her siblings.

I want to stop this vicious cycle in my family. On my mother's side it's the cycle of neglect. My mother was loved as best as her parents knew how, I was loved with limitations, but we were both neglected. We both weren't given parents that were capable of teaching and loving a child and giving a child what they need.

On my father's side the cycle is alcoholism. It's sad to me that if I someone asks me what my father is like in the top three things that come to mind there is always, "He's a drinker." I think I've already stopped that cycle, but know that it will be a constant in my life that I always have to be careful of.

As Farmie and I get closer to having children and thinking of what we will be like as parents I think of all of these things. I think of the relatives before us that have shaped who we are and I know there are lessons there. These are challenges that will make us better people, better parents. I'm grateful that I'm strong enough to rise above them and that I've worked hard in therapy to overcome the affects of alcoholism in my family. Not just the gene itself, but the affects of being raised in a codependent household. And I'm grateful that I recognize that many of the memories of my childhood are not good ones and that I have the ability to affect a child in the same way that my mother affected me. But I choose to be better. I choose to be the mother that is there. I choose to be a mother that cares, that listens, that comforts, that heals. And until we are able to have children of our own, or if we never do, regardless of who calls me mother or who I'm caring for in that role I will be the person that I wish that I could have had in my life.

Dear Mother

2010-11-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mother,

I'm sorry that we don't have the relationship that either one of us wishes that we had. I'm sorry that you have let me down and that I have a perpetual wall up when I'm around you. I don't know how to change any of this and I don't know how to change how I feel about you.

I've never felt that you have understood me or that you have seen things from my perspective. You've never validated my feelings and have always had this attitude that my emotions are silly. When I'm irritated or concerned about something you treat me like a child and act like I'm overreacting. Sometimes you are a good listener and I can share things with you but the majority of the time I never know what response I'm going to get.

Things that you have done to me are things that I will promise never to do to my children or any child.

When I was 9 years old you sold my dog that I had since I was 6. Being an only child made him my only playmate. You sold him for absolutely no reason other than the fact that you wanted to get a different breed of dog. We had the money and the room to keep him even with another dog. You sold him in front of me and as the couple drove away with him I wanted to hit you. I wanted to run at you at beat on your chest and make you hear me. I hated you for that.

When I was 10 years old you and my father woke up early without waking me and took the two baby horses that we had and shot them in the woods. When I woke up no one was home and my horse was calling for her baby. I stayed in the pasture and comforted her until you finally showed up. You told me what you did and my stomach sank. I ran to my room and cried. Sitting by the door I could hear you talking about how you killed them and how it took 7 shots to kill the colt that I loved so much. He was sick, but you never told me you were going to kill him. You never took him to the vet to see if he could be treated. You dispose of things when they no longer serve you.

Whenever you had to pick me up at school because I was sick you would yell at me as if I did it on purpose. You made me feel like a burden.

When I got my period you said "About time" and walked away. You never explained anything to me.

You've told me many times you had me so that you would have an ally against my father. You've always wanted me to be an extension of you. I cringe when I imagine what you were like when I was a baby and a toddler, when I had no voice and no power.

When I was 12 and a boy grabbed me at a friends house in a sexual way I told you about it and how uncomfortable it made me feel. You laughed at me. I never shared those things with you again.

When I was raped at 19 you blamed me for not trusting my instincts and for putting myself in the situation.

You've been a codependent spouse to my alcoholic father. You married an alcoholic, you still live with an alcoholic and you never set boundaries. You never stood up for yourself. You never stood up for me. You would blame my father and talk bad about him when he was drunk, but you allowed it in your home. This is the relationship you taught me. I learned from you that this was love. I learned from you that this was marriage.

When I was 5 you left me. You moved to a new town and started a new job. I don't know how long you were gone, but you left me with my father to care for me. You left me with an alcoholic to care for me. You were gone so long I didn't think you were ever coming back. You were gone so long I thought you were dead.

When I was 11 you left me again and moved across the country for another job that wasn't a necessary move. You left me for months with my father. You left me for months again with an alcoholic. But by then I took pride in cleaning better than you. I took pride in not yelling at my father about his drinking. But I still missed you. I would go into your closet and lean against your clothes and smell them. You had left me again, but I still loved you.

I still love you now, but I don't know what else we have other than that. You are not my friend. I can't confide in you and know that you will be there for me. I don't feel like you really know the person I've become, in spite of you...

Dr Update

2010-10-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Farmie and I went to our appointment with the urologist. There isn't a physical component to his sperm morphology (abnormally shaped sperm). He will submit another sample and we'll see if those results are the same. The Dr basically told us that we can continue to try on our own until we are ready to do in vitro, but that the chance of a normal couple getting pregnant each month is only 10%. That means we have about a 1% chance of getting pregnant during each cycle. Not good odds, but I'm trying to stay positive and take it day by day. We'll know when it's time to bring on the petri dishes...

Baby Patrick

2010-10-25T08:49:00.001-07:00

Last Thursday night I got an emergency placement call for a little boy named "Patrick". They said that he was currently in the hospital and that his foster home was being investigated for abuse. He didn't have any medical issues so we quickly agreed to take him.

He was adorable and a very sweet little boy. He loved playing with our dogs and cuddled with them on the couch. He was so excited the next morning when I was cooking breakfast. He walked back and forth in the kitchen drinking from his sippy cup pointing every few minutes to the "nanas" (bananas) on the kitchen counter. He was part Native American and had these cute little brown eyes. I wouldn't have minded keeping him for a while :)

The next morning I dropped him off at his daycare. The daycare had been who had originally referred him to CPS. When I went to pick him up later in the day he was gone. His social worker had checked him out and no one called me to let me know what was going on until this morning (I'm learning this delay and bad communication is commonplace). They had removed him from the daycare because the foster home had countered their referral by filing a referral against the daycare.

Another little visitor that we may never see again, but we're happy that we were the ones called to help.

Bio Dad Court Update

2010-10-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Natalie and Nathan have a new court date scheduled for January. The judge didn't rule that their bio dad could not have the children, but he did create some changes that have to put in place by the next court date. In the meantime, our state will pay for the father and half brother to be flown in and visit once a month. They will also fly the children there during Thanksgiving and for two weeks in December for Christmas. I would think this would create more confusion and more chaos for the kids. And although I understand the importance of the children bonding with siblings I don't understand why they would fly the half brother to visit them when he isn't able to live with the father full time because of behavorial issues.

Silbing Group

2010-10-11T11:25:00.001-07:00

We had the kids this weekend. We took them to the lake and in spite of the cooler weather they had fun playing in the sand and blowing bubbles. A friend of ours is a wedding planner and we got great seats to a fireworks show along with kettle corn and brownies that had been made for the wedding guests. They had a blast and thought it was so cool that we knew the guy that was lighting the fireworks.

They have a court date in two weeks. Their bio dad from another state is bringing their case to our local judge in an attempt to get the social workers overruled in his state. I'm not sure how often it happens. That will be his last option/attempt to have them placed with him.

Natalie and Nathan talked a lot this weekend about their mom. Natalie tells me that no one likes her mother and that she's on drugs. I try to explain that her mom is making bad choices right now and that they are good kids. Natalie also told me about her "big brother". This is the 12 year old that lives with her bio dad. He only stays with them on the weekends and is in a group home during the week. She said that he has problems because his mom cooked drugs when he was in her belly. Being 7 years old she has heard and seen so much more than most children, even teenagers.

Infertility

2010-10-05T13:09:00.001-07:00

We finally talked to the doctor and learned more about the lab results. Farmie has 4% normal sperm, the rest is abnormally shaped. If you have 15% normal sperm or less that is categorized as having a fertility issue. We will go to an urologist at the end of the month. That was the earliest that we could get an appointment. I've been researching a ton online about infertility. There are so many different types of treatments and combinations of treatments. It's overwhelming. I have found a procedure call IVM (In Vitro Maturation) that may be something that we could do. It involves less hormone injections than In Vitro Fertilization and has less side effects than IVF. IVM isn't as common as IVF so we will have to find a fertility clinic that is willing to do it. If anyone has heard of someone doing IVM please let me know. There is very limited information online. We've started the process of contacting clinics as well and not many provide IVM.

I never thought that when I started this blog this would be the new subject of my life. I've come a long way the last couple of years with my commitment issues and my fears of starting a family. The foster care process has been an amazing gift for us and we've been able to provide consistent care for Natalie and Nicholas. Just when I feel like I'm getting a grasp on things and feel like I'm beginning to know exactly what I want out of life, we're thrown this curve ball. Now that the ability for us to have a child has been greatly complicated, I feel like this has pushed my desire for a child even more.

I feel completely overprotective of Farmie right now as he's dealing with the news and he is admitting that it is a huge blow to his ego. He's worried that I will leave him because of this, but no matter how much I assure him that will not happen he says that it's in the back of his mind. I would never leave him. Even if the results had come back that he was completely sterile I would not leave him.

Lab Results

2010-09-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

We got the lab results back today on Farmie's sperm... He has abnormally shaped sperm. We're trying to get in touch with the doctor to see what exactly this means and I've been searching the net for info. So far it's not looking good

I'm glad we got the test done and it makes sense why we've been trying for 5 months and not getting pregnant.

Has anyone else had this problem?

Obsessed

2010-09-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Obsessed with getting pregnant, yes, but what's concerning is my new obsession with decorating. We're in the process of selling our home and I'm so ready to move on to something smaller, something less complicated, something new to us.

Our commute is 45 minutes right now and we're hoping to reduce that by at least 15 minutes. We have a home that we've been keeping an eye on and we're hoping that by the time our home sells it will still be available and at a discount (crossing my fingers).

I don't know if it's the fall in the air or what, but I can't stop browsing sites like It's the Little Things or my favorite lately, Apartment Therapy. A new find is Decor8. Cost Plus World Market is always great and the biggest obessesion of all right now is IKEA. I want an IKEA kitchen so bad that I've been dreaming about it.

Either this is part of the nesting stage...wanting to prepare a home for a family or I've gone of the deep end!

Ovulation Kit

2010-09-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

The doctor suggested that we buy an ovulation kit and I thought it would make me stress more about my cycle and getting pregnant, but it actually helps. I just do the test once a day and it lets me know if I'm ovulating or not so I don't have to guess based on a calendar. One less thing to worry about!

Off to the Dr

2010-09-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Farmie and I are going to the doctor tomorrow. We both decided that after trying for a few months to get pregnant without any luck we better just make sure all the parts are working properly!

Not looking forward to it. My biggest fear is that they would say that we can't have children. But if that's what the results are we will deal with it...

Sibling Group

2010-09-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

We had the kids this weekend and took them to the fair! They loved it of course. Nathan was just barely tall enough to go on the rides. They enjoyed the fair food, the animals and must have gone on over 10 rides. It was a great afternoon and we had fun watching how excited they were.

Their case is still up in the air. The father is supposedly trying to put the case in the judges hands in hopes of overruling the social worker's decision. Nathan told me that he shared a room with his big brother at his dad's house. His big brother is now 12 and is the child that has so many behavioral problems. I know that with foster care children of that age difference can't room with each other. I'm not sure if that applies for biological visitations.

Natalie told me that she went up to her mother and said that she loved her and that her mother pushed her away. I asked her when that happened and she told me a long time ago and that her grandma told her about it. Natalie said it made her cry. I tried to explain the best that I could to a 7 year old that what her mother did was because of drugs and has nothing to do with her. How do you explain addiction to a 7 year old...? I tried my best. I told her that drugs make us do things that we normally wouldn't do and told her that when people do drugs they choose the drug over people they love. I explained that some people get better and others don't. She told me that she tried to help her mom and I said that it wasn't her job to help her mother. It's her job to be a kid and have fun. I told her that deep down I'm sure that her mother still loves her, but because of drugs she doesn't know what the important things are in her life right now.

I can see the affects of the instability in their life. The aren't minding as well as they used to. They seem to be trying to push our buttons more and more, but we just deal with it and discipline them as we always have. They're great kids in spite of the cards they've been dealt.

I've had a couple of emails regarding adopting Natalie and Nathan if they come up for adoption. If/when I find out that will be happening I will post it on here so stay tuned and contact me then. Thank you

Sibling Group Update

2010-08-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

We had Nathan and Natalie this weekend. They had their visitation with their bio dad last month and it didn't go well. The social workers didn't approve placement with their father. I don't think I'm getting the whole story from their grandmother, but I think the biggest issues is their older brother. He is 11 and he has some major issues that I've mentioned before. I think that the fact that the father doesn't have a permanent arrangement for their brother and doesn't seem capable of controlling him is the biggest issue that the state had.

The father has one more chance to present the case to a judge. From my understanding the judge can rule against the state, but if he rules with the state the father would not be considered again until their living situation has changed.

If the judge rules that they cannot be placed with him then the grandparents will be asked if they want to adopt them, which I don't think they will. If they don't they will be open for adoption. They are wonderful kids and I have to keep reminding myself that we started the foster care respite for respite only, not adoption. I just hope they that end up in a loving home and are well cared for.

I know that we've made an impact in their lives. Natalie was asking me this weekend if I remembered the first time I met her. This was a year and a half ago and she remembers all the details of that day. She reminded me of snowball fights we had last winter and riding horses and the first time they went to the lake with us.

I hope that someone gives them the love and nuturing they deserve...

Rollercoaster

2010-08-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

This getting pregnant adventure is quite a rollercoaster!! We've been trying since April and each month we get our hopes up and then get disappointed when we find out that I'm not pregnant. Farmie is going in to get checked to make sure that we're not working with blanks.

I can't imagine going through this for years. Aweful... We've talked to a few couples that have kids and the majority of them say that it took them about a year. I guess when you can afford a child or if you aren't in high school or college, and if you want a child things take a little longer!!!

HS Reunion & Unexpected Closure

2010-06-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

I knew that I would get to see some old friends, but I didn't think I'd be leaving my high school reunion with some closure that I've needed for years.

I've talked about therapy on here before and intimacy issues. While I was there for the reunion I ran into an old boyfriend that helped contribute to some of the issues that I have. I was in love with him and while we were dating after we had sex he ended up cheating on me and I've always felt like I was different after that experience. He had been my best friend for years before we dated and I was devastated when he betrayed me. It was a turning point in my life and after that I chose people that I could keep at arm's length. I brought it up and at first joked about him needing to reimburse me for all the therapy I've been paying for, but he got really serious and told me that it was one of the biggest regrets of his life. He told me that I was such a good friend to him and that he didn't know why he did that to me. He told me that he's screwed over everyone he's ever really cared about and loved. I told him it was like he sabotaged things on purpose and he couldn't really give a good reason for what happened. He told me that he thinks about me at least once a week and has for the last 12 years. He told me he was sorry for what he did and that he loved me very much. It was crazy, but it was such a relief to me. We hugged and I told him to take care and then I went and found my husband and gave him a big kiss. He treats me like a queen and I'm so grateful for that. I'm hoping that closure will bring us closer. He deserves it and so do I.

I was so happy to show him the town and get to see it again myself. We drove by my old houses and I got really emotional when we saw one. I wasn't expecting to feel those emotions, but I could feel old anger build up again. I tried really hard to think of good memories I had in that home and there were none. It really upset me, but it is what it is.

I didn't see the ex-boyfriend that went to prison. Evidently he is on parole and can't be around people drinking... I'm not sure how that works.

Everyone welcomed me with open arms and it was so good to catch up with people and see what they've become. I'll see them all again in another 10 years!

Father's Day

2010-06-21T09:22:00.001-07:00

Happy Father's Day to all the Daddies out there: bio, adopted, foster, respite, step, and all others!!

Farmie and I invited my parents to have dinner yesterday at Farmie's parents' house. This is the first Father's Day that I had been with my dad in over 4 years. When we have kids my parents will most likely be included in more family functions so we all better get used to the idea!!

I'm always a little nervous when my parents are visiting. I never know how much my dad is going to drink and I never know what is going to come out of my mother's mouth. Each year as I grow older I become better able to accept them for who they are. Sometimes my interaction with them feels awkward as if we are strangers. That saddens me. I've had to create so many boundaries with them over the years because I essentially had none as a child. It's changed our dynamic completely, but for the better. That needed to happen for my sanity.

After 20 years of being sober my mother has started drinking again. I haven't seen the negative affects of it since I'm not around her often. I'm just hoping it doesn't create problems in her life. I hope she's able to find some self control that she didn't have when I was child and that the drinking won't create a downward spiral.

I'm grateful that when Farmie and I do have children that they will have stability and loving, present and attentive parents. All we can do is strive to be better than the generation before us.

High School Reunion

2010-06-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

Farmie and I are going to my 10 year high school reunion. It's kind of an odd thing because I didn't actually graduate from the high school that we're going to. My parents moved halfway through my sophomore year. I have more friends at the this school because I lived their longer. I decided against going to my high school that I graduated from because all of my friends there were the class before me. I did running start my senior year and only had two classes at the high school my entire year. The rest were at the community college.

It will be very interesting to say the least. I'm excited to see a few girlfriends that I've kept in touch with over the years. Then there are also 2 ex boyfriends that may be there as well. One of them was in prison for 5 years and just got released this year... I always had to redirect him when we were younger. He once told me that he was going to rob a gas station in our town and I talked him out of it. Evidently, at some point there wasn't anyone in his life helping him make the right decisions. He was always a big teddy bear though.

Other news: I got a call yesterday that Farmie's sister is pregnant. She's 14 weeks. I didn't mention that we had been trying. Just said congrats. Her husband is being moved to Florida for his military service in July so the timing is really bad for them, but she has a lot of family support. She will be visiting the end of this month for the rest of the summer so she'll be here when she finds out about the sex of the baby. I'm excited for her :) She has two kids that run her ragged and I don't always agree with her parenting, but they've had two miscarriages and really want another baby.

Supporting the pregnancy test companies...

2010-05-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

After taking about 10 pregnancy tests my late period arrived. We are disappointed, but know that when the time is right it will happen. We will try again in a couple months and maybe we'll have an April baby :)

We had the kids this weekend. Natalie and Nathan are still with their grandparents and will most likely not be going to their bio dad's home in another state. Dad keeps promising to get his lawyer involved and never does and he blames the state for dragging their feet, but what I've learned of his living arrangements and his life in general right now he doesn't seem very stable.

We had dinner with some friends this weekend. They have a 6 year old, 20 month old and a newborn. I held the baby almost the entire evening. She was so precious. The kids talked about their playdate all weekend.

I'm sure we will have them again next month. They have a court date on Wednesday, but I don't think there will be any change in their current situation.

Baby Makin Weekend

2010-04-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

It's true, we decided to officially try to get pregnant. We went to the lake this weekend and over a plate of wings and ribs and cole slaw we started talking about how there would never be a perfect time to have a child. We talked about Farmie's age, 38, and how we know that we will have a family someday so why not start now.

So that's just what we did. From reading online I should be able to tell in a couple weeks if I'm pregnant or not. I've been researching everything from birthing methods to yoga and pilates while pregnant.

I'm a little shocked that we made this decision in what felt like in a day, but it's been a long time coming. I think I started opening my heart to the idea of becoming a mother the day I started volunteering at the crisis nursery. All the personal issues I have dealt with over the last few years have step by step brought me closer to accepting and knowing that I will be a better mother than my own. That our child will be extremely lucky to have us as parents and that we will be doubly blessed by the little person that will be given to us.

Biological Babies

2010-04-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

Farmie included the lines in his vows that he wrote that: "I look forward to you being a wonderful mother to our children". Little bit of a shocker for me if you read through this blog and know what it took for me to walk down that aisle in the first place!!!

Yes, I love children. Yes, I would love to keep most of the children that visit us for respite and those that I've come in contact with at the crisis nursery. But as I've said before the thought of being pregnant scares the crap out of me. I wish that it would be one of those things that just happens and then of course I would be fine, but I THINK too much. I know I have full control over when I get pregnant. I have to choose to be a mother. I have to plan to be a mother.

Farmie just turned 38 and he told me that he doesn't want to look like the grandpa when our kids graduate high school... So I have to figure out how to get over this fear and stop thinking so much. I know we will make wonderful parents. I know that we will make beautiful babies.

I took the first step and stopped taking birth control! Feels like diving off a cliff!! But with a parachute... That's a bad analogy, but that's all I got today!

Sibling Group Update

2010-04-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

Baby J is officially placed with his bio dad. The last time we had him he was the most delightful baby ever. He'd been sick on and off since Fall so it was nice to see him being the goofy, adorable and smart baby that he was when we first met him last summer. He was able to visit Nathan and Natalie over Easter weekend. They miss their baby brother and I'm sure he misses them too. I hope that the dad is taking good care of him and working on his bad eating habits. He would eat fries all day every day if you allowed his fits to manipulate you into cooking what he wants!! I learned during all of his visits that if you just let him throw the fit hunger will overtake his desire for all things unhealthy and loaded with carbs :)

We will have Nathan and Natalie this weekend. Their placement with their bio dad has been delayed. The bio dad's 11 year old is in a halfway house because dad can't deal with him and he's very violent. He's a drug baby who's mother OD'd a year ago. The 11 year old poses a threat to the younger children and the other issue is that dad is still living in a motel... It sounds like a total mess and I'm kind of hoping that the children stay here in this state and this town where I think they would be better cared for. Plus we would be able to continue respite!

We plan on taking them to a movie this weekend and going to a kid's exhibit. Nathan has been having issues lately based on what the grandmother has told me. He is most likely acting out because he's sensing the changes around him. Imagine being a 4 year old who's baby brother that he's known his whole little life is just one day not there. He's probably thinking that one day he might just disappear too... Poor little guy.

The last time he was with us he walked up to an old man in a public park and yelled, "Hey, I don't like you!!" I was totally horrified and would have made him apologize if the old man didn't practically run away. I explained that what he said was very hurtful and asked him how he would feel if someone came up to him and said that. I think it's natural for them to act out. We'll see how severe the behavior is this weekend.

We will also be taking a friend's 5 year old with us to the movie and exhibit. They gave birth to a baby girl last week and she is in the ICU with a hole in one of her lungs. They are really stressed out and worried. Plus they have an 18 month old to care for and a senior in high school so we are offering to take the 5 year old to get him out having some fun and to give them a little bit of a break. I would take their baby too for the weekend if I could fit 4 kids in my car!!

Baby Cammie

2010-04-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

Now that we are listed as being available for emergency placements I knew that we would get some tough cases. We had Baby Cammie last week. When I went to the office to pick her up they began explaining all of her bruises and scrapes and how she seemed to just be a happy little girl in spite of the abuse and the environment that she had been living in.

This little 2 year old baby girl had bruises on both cheeks, a huge bruise on her forehead, a cut on her nose that I ended up having to clean up a few times because it was in a spot that she would rub and so it was not healing well. She had strange scrapes up and down her legs, a large bite mark on her arm and worst of all they told me that she had to go back to the doctor for another exam because they thought that she had been sexually abused. She was adorable with her ringlet brown hair and blue eyes.

She was with us for only one night. Her grandparents were approved for a temporary placement very quickly the day after we picked her up. I hope they provide a better home for her than where she came from. I hope that her mother's issues were not shared by her grandparents.

Being the snoop that I am I looked up her mom on Facebook just to get a glimpse of what a mother looks like that allows her young child to be so abused. I was surprised by what I saw. She had played soccer in high school, had even been a cheerleader. She said on her profile that family was the most important thing to her. I can only assume that she got addicted to meth and that's where she lost herself and her daughter. Leaving her child in a drug house to be abused by all of those broken people...

These little souls that make pit stops into our lives teach me so much. I will never forget them. Each time I send them off I hope that I was caring for them during the worst part of their life and that better days are ahead.

A few pics!

2010-04-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pics from our wedding!! I won't leave these up forever due to privacy. Once I get a few more I will upload those for a while as well.

The ring I'm holding is my great great grandmother's "dinner ring". It was my something old :)

Love the shot of Farmie on the balcony. We were blessed with a gorgeous day.

Originally we had talked about doing a "trash the dress" photo shoot the day after the wedding, but I couldn't bare to do that once I had the dress on. It's being carefully cleaned and stored.

I'm ashamed to say I haven't even sent out announcements!!! We've been waiting on the photos because I want to include one in the formal announcements. We should have those out in the next two weeks. We are also doing a summer reception. Farmie got his beach wedding and I'm going to get my casual southern style party with fried chicken and greens!

Wedding Pics on the Way!

2010-03-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for our wedding pics to do an update so that I can share them with you guys!!

I'll post an update as soon as I get them!

And We're Off!!!

2010-02-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

We leave tomorrow in the early AM. I haven't had this stressful of a week in a long long time. Way to much to do, way to much to remember!

I'll be glad when our feet hit the sand and the cell phones are in the room and we are married!!!

Kyle, Cameron, and Payton

2010-02-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

I keep feeling like Farmie and I are the ones that are blessed when we get our placements. We've have such easy children. Kyle, the five year old, cried quite a bit last night. He would calm down when would I sit next to him and rub his chest, but I had to get up 3 times to soothe him. It's hard to figure out what to say when they are old enough to know that they are in someone else's home and old enough to communicate that they want their parents and want to be in their home. I told him it was okay to cry and that he was safe with us. He's a very mature 5 year old. The children were removed from the home because they were being left alone and unsupervised on a regular basis.

Cameron, the 3 year old, has a slight hearing problem so his speech is difficult to understand, but I get down on his level and try to figure out what he's trying to say. Kyle is my little translator. Cameron is very sweet but gets into everything. In the garage he goes around the car and opens all the doors and then once inside he will climb up to the front and go through the middle console and glove compartment. He climbed over the baby gate for the downstairs and went down there completely by himself this morning.

Payton (18 months) is adorable and is already melting Farmie's heart. She cuddled up to him last night when he was rocking her to sleep like a little bear cub that was never going to let go.

I was a little worried how the morning would go. Farmie left for work before the kids woke up so I was on my own, but I was able to get all three feed, bathed and ready for school and out the door by 8. I will pick them up at 4 today from daycare. This is supposed to be their last night.

Emergency Placement

2010-02-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

I just got a call about a sibling group of 3: 3 year old, 5 year old and 18 month old

They just go removed today and as soon as I get done with a business appointment I will go pick them up!! They are only supposed to be with us for two nights so that they can find a long term placement home.

Curious to meet these little ones!!

Cast Iron Winner!

2010-02-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

Carmel over at On Our Way won the Cast Iron skillet!!!

I already posted a tip about not washing them with soap! Any tips anyone else wants to share???

Tungsten Wedding Ring Winner!!

2010-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

The winner of the Tungsten wedding ring is Dana!!! Check out her adorable wedding website!!!

Congrats!! I wish you the best on your wedding day and many wonderful years of marriage!!!

Giveaway!!!-Closed, will announce winner soon

2010-01-26T11:18:00.000-08:00

I love cooking in cast iron. It's a kitchen must have that's been carried down from generation to generation in my family. My deep south roots are filled with memories of delicious meals being cooked in cast iron skillets. I have two at home and keep them well seasoned. Farmie watches me cook while sitting on the bar stools at our kitchen island and unless it's pasta it gets cooks in my cast iron skillet! The golden rule of cooking in cast iron is NEVER clean them with soap!

The giveaway rules:

1) You have to be a follower of my blog to be part of the giveaway
2) You have to leave a comment on this post telling me your favorite memory in childhood of a grandparent or parent cooking!
3) No emails to my ticktock address on this one, just leave a comment!

Good luck!!! I'll contact the winner Friday!!!

Giveaway!!!! Closed, will announce winner soon

2010-01-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

You might notice that I added an "Awesome Products" section on my blog. Right column, just below my "subscribe to" section...

I'm excited about this! And hope to have many other items to give away!

This giveaway is a Tungsten Ring. These are so cool and really stylish. Click the link above or the one on the right side column and read all about it. Browse for the perfect ring!

Rules:

1) You have to be a follower of my blog to be part of the giveaway
2) You have to leave a comment on this post telling me what you would use the ring for and why you should get it.
3) The ring cannot exceed $120
4) No emails to my ticktock address on this one, just leave a comment!

Good luck!!! I'll contact the winner on Friday!!!

One Daddy

2010-01-25T16:10:00.001-08:00

Never in my lifetime did I think that I would be able to say/type these words:

MY FATHER QUIT DRINKING

I thought he would be in an old folks home before that happened and I envisioned him even then finding someone to sneak him beers.

My entire life he was two people. Drunk Daddy or Sober Daddy

Why did he quit drinking? He got gout. It's extremely painful, but my father tried to fix it with an alcohol free diet for months before finally going to the doctor. I get my stuborness from him... They ended up having to perform surgery to remove crystals.

I think my dad realized he needs to start taking care of himself. I'm glad that he has decided to quit drinking regardless of how late it is in his life, but I wonder what my life would have been like had he stopped earlier.

When I was 12 years old I had a talk with him on a long car ride about his drinking. I remember asking him to quit drinking. I felt like I was begging and I hoped that he loved me enough to quit drinking. In the end he had said, "I enjoy it and that's that." I had no say, I had no control. I think of all the times that he let me down because of his drinking. It could have been so easily avoided, but he quit for himself when he was ready. I hope he never drinks for the rest of his life.

And I do know one thing. If Farmie and I ever have children they will get to enjoy the man I loved so much growing up. Sober Daddy, in all his goofyness and his lifetime of crazy stories.

The Wedding

2010-01-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

I'm back in blog land because I've finally sorted out all the details of the wedding. The planner, vendors and hotels and everything else has been paid in full and I can finally sit back and just ride the wave to the wedding date. I'm not nervous, but I've had numerous people tell me that I will be at some point.

My dress is hanging up in the bedroom zipped up in a protective baggy so Farmie can't see it. Maybe I should have put a lock on the zipper... Hopefully, he doesn't peek!

The flowers are all picked out: green and white cymbidium orchids just like the pic above. Our wedding cake will be very similar to the pic and I'm having a groom's cake made for Farmie that is chocolate inside and out for the family dinner the night before.

We've planned family excursions and a girls spa day. The day after the wedding we will leave for another Hawaiian island.

I'm so excited and grateful. I feel so blessed. Just remembered one thing...I have to write my vows!

Upsetting News

2010-01-25T13:36:00.000-08:00

The sibling group's grandmother contacted me and said that she felt she needed to update me on the status of the kids' case. I thought it would be progress with mom or more consistent visitations with the dads, but she dropped a bomb I didn't expect.

They are separating the children. Two will be going to another state hours away to be with their biological father who has missed two of his last overnight visitations and who is currently living in a hotel. The baby will stay here in town, but will be placed with his biological father who is 22 and single.

Natalie will be tramatized. She ADORES her baby brother and is very protective of him. They don't have extended family they know in the other state. I just can't see how this is what's best for the children. It seems like this is all being done for the parents, not for the children.

I told the grandmother to please pass on our contact info to the father that lives locally and let him know that we would be happy to still provide respite and to also mention the crisis nursery that I used to volunteer at. It would be a great resource for a young single dad.

We knew that respite was temporary, we knew that we would feel helpless when changes were made that were out of our control, but there is still frustration. There is still sadness.

The grandmother said that we will probably only have a couple more weekends with the kids before they are placed with their fathers. I will cherish them. And I can only hope and pray for these little people that have no control over their lives that they can somehow have a good childhood, be safe, be loved and grow into healthy adults. At least we were able to provide them a safe place during the weekends we had them with us over these last 7 months.

I'm Alive, Just Swamped

2010-01-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've been swamped with work and the wedding plans. Who knew that having a little wedding on a beach would take so much planning. I don't see how people can do a large wedding. It would be way too overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed and we're only having 6 people including us!! And I have a planner, who's been amazing, but I still have to answer all her questions and get things organized.

We are also considering moving closer to town and we've been looking at a few homes in our spare time. Our commute right now is 45 minutes each way and Farmie and I have been thinking that being closer to work will give us more time together and more time period! We've been talking more and more about having children of our own so that's another reason to be closer to town and in more of a neighborhood environment.

We've had the sibling group this last weekend and they were wonderful. The baby is starting to talk and he's adopted these hilarious facial expressions. He's such a clown. Nathan is getting so much better at listening and staying focused, but he can still be a challenge. Natalie was eager to please as always.

I've missed reading everyone's blogs and hope to get back to normal after the wedding!! Please forgive me!! I will be back to consistant postings soon!!!!

Our Weekend with the Kids

2009-11-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

I picked the kids up from daycare on Friday and they filled me in on the last month of their little lives as we drove to the grocery store. They talk about Halloween and singing songs in class and how grandma and grandpa are looking for jobs. Both of their grandparents are now unemployed. The children still go to daycare every day and Natalie goes to school so hopefully that will give them time to find a job, but everyone knows it's tough out there right now.

We bought groceries and some items that "came all the way from the ocean to find our bellies". I REALLY had been craving seafood so I was trying to get the kids warmed up to the idea. I made a crab quiche for lunch on Saturday and Nathan loved it. Natalie, not so much. I have them taste everything once, but with items like that I do give them other options. I made fried catfish Sunday and the baby loved it. He ate literally at least a 1/2 cup of it.

The baby had a horrible rash on his belly and when I talked to Grandma on Friday she said it wasn't contagious, but then Grandpa called me on Sunday saying it was contagious. Luckily I don't think that Farmie and I got it and I'm in the habit of using gloves when I put on diaper cream, any topical ointment and changing poopie diapers.

Natalie loves helping me cook and she helped with each meal in some way and we baked cupcakes on Sunday. Nathan went on a ride with Farmie in the Ranger and had a great time.

The best part about having the kids are times like when the baby falls asleep in my lap on the couch, when he tries to put his brother's winter glove on his head, when I'm holding him while eating dinner and accidently drop a bite of food and he grabs it and tries to feed it to me. Natalie's efforts to make me proud make it easy to encourage her and give her praise. Nathan needs more patience than I thought I had, but when he tells me he loves me I remember why I give him the extra few seconds on each task and the guidance he needs.

The Wedding

2009-11-12T08:55:00.001-08:00

It seems almost surreal that I will be married in less than 4 months.

We are meeting the wedding planner, the cake designer and the florist on the 24th.

I have a dress picked out, but have yet to purchase it. I'm going to look at another wedding shop on Monday just to make sure that the dress I already chose is definitely the one.

I know there will be moments where I feel elated and overjoyed. There will be moments when I feel like this is one of the best decisions of my life. But I have to be honest and say that I also feel fear. What if this isn't the right choice? What if things change after we get married? What if it all falls apart?

When I feel those concerns creeping up I just remind myself that if this is all a big mistake I will in the end pick myself up and dust off and move forward. I can't push marriage away because of fear.

On the wedding day I will either feel complete calm and feel like in that moment I will be doing exactly what I'm meant to do. Or I will feel like I'm going to vomit and have an anxiety attack. Or I will go through the motions and it will feel like it's all happening to someone else.

I want it to feel like this is what we are meant to do. I want it to feel like all decisions in my life have led me to Farmie. I want it to fee like we are meant for each other. I'll find out February 21st, 2010.

The kids are coming!

2009-11-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

We have the sibling group again this weekend and I've been thinking of projects and recipes and little excursions to keep them busy. I'm hoping that work is not too insane on Friday so I can pick them up early. I'm excited to see them!!

I'm going to have Natalie help me bake cupcakes (of course). Mini chocolate ones with cherry icing :) She loves to help me in the kitchen.

Farmie is going to take Nathan on the ranger and go have some boy fun.

Our neighbors are leasing two of our horses so I will ask the kids if they want to help me walk the horses over. The neighbors daughter is going to be doing 4-H and one of our geldings will be great for her. He is so sweet and he absolutely loves attention. He's like a big dog. They will be pampered and the neighbors will have much more time to devote to them than we do. Plus they are so close by that we can check on them anytime. It's an ideal situation for all of us, including the horses.

My Day Away

2009-11-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

I had a great time with my friend J. We had dinner at Bonefish. The crab cakes were super yummy, but neither one of us were impressed with the main courses. I had salmon with lobster and J had bacon wrapped scallops. I think we saw the exact scallops the next day at Costco, but Bonefish is a great place for appetizers I guess! J and I always have a great time and never run out of things to talk about. He's one of my oldest friends and I certainly cherish him.

We did end up going to the gay bar, but didn't stay long. It was boring so we went to another friend's house that we both went to high school with. We played cards and she talked about her kids. I will call her T. T used to do foster care, both long term and emergency placements, but her life has changed drastically in the last couple of years. She got divorced from her husband and he took both of her biological children. Around the time of the divorce she was really depressed and started seeing a therapist. The husband subpoenaed her therapist and used her personal sessions against her during the divorce. They used her depression as a reason to show that she was an unfit mother. She can only see her children during supervised visits with the husband there. There are always two sides to every story, but since high school she's always been very sweet. I know she has had substance abuse issues, but she didn't mention that as being a reason for the kids being with their dad. I can't imagine what it would feel like to go from being the person that cares for other people's children to being the mother that loses her children.

It's amazing how just a little time away makes you see things from a different perspective. I become grateful all over again for Farmie and the life we have. It makes me appreciate him so much more when I'm able to have just a little time to myself. I get to the point sometimes where I feel like I give and give and give to everyone else and I feel myself saying, "Hey! What about me???!!!" When I reach that point I just need to make time to myself. It's important to step out of the daily routine and allow yourself to have a little fun. I felt like a high school kid without a curfew :) And it felt great!!

Needing a break

2009-11-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

Work has been insane this week. I've been putting out fires all week and just feel totally spent. I feel like running away for a day and that's just what I'm going to do!!!

I'm leaving today early from work and meeting up with a close friend of mine from high school. We always have such a great time together. He's gay and he loves to shop :) We're going to a nearby town and are going to have dinner at a cute little bistro I found online and then after that we're heading somewhere for drinks. He's found a gay bar so I might get talked into going there with him. Tomorrow will be all about shopping. It will nice to be out of town so I can blow off a little steam!!

Award from Eyes Open Wider

2009-10-19T13:02:00.001-07:00

Thank you Eyes Open Wider for nominating me :) This time I will be able to reply within a timeframe I'm not embarrassed of!!!

7 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT READERS MAY NOT KNOW:

1) Pet peeve: I can't stand it when someone nervously taps or fiddles with something. It drives me bonkers!

2) I used to ride endurance rides as a kid. My longest ride was 30 miles when I was ten.

3) I love the smell of Mississippi and love the way the dirt feels under my feet.

4) I have a box in the basement full of my personal writings

5) I lose my appetite when I'm upset or frustrated

6) My mother broke her collar bone while riding horses when I was 8 and she blamed me

7) All of my childhood pets were sold or shot except the horse that died two years ago on my property. I had her since I was 4.

This is all a little melodramatic today, but that's my mood!!!

Nominations:

Carmel @ On Our Way
Linda @ Faith Makes Things Possible
The Mamas @ Mama Drama Times Two
Karen @ Daily Life Sanford Style
Melissa @ Full Circle
Tudu @ Finishing Off My Family
Cloudmaster @ Life Goes On and On